From dinosaurs to birds

This blog has been about my rediscovery of celebrating who I am in this beautiful world full of joy and pain. I feel like a new change is coming much like how a period of darkness changed the giant dinosaurs to become the birds of today. Yet popular pursuits is to be bigger and more popular which is OK. But like any giant, everything requires more effort and massiveness implies slow change. And small birds, though free and can see the world from many angles as they are more agile and resourceful, appear insecure and hard to pin down. Giant cities, buildings, companies, institutions, banks, governments, factories, religions etc. help us focus on the goal of size equals success. Popularity is the goal of media so to become a giant star seems to be the highest form of success.

I prefer the freedom of being a bird rather than live under the obligations of crowds and giants. Therefore I'll continue to celebrate, discover life and share it in cyberspace in a new blog: "From dino's to birds". See you there.

Why blog

I write on this blog for many reasons: it's my place to say something public, I'm curious about how many would read about me, I'm kind of crying out of the dark as the urge to create beckons... A kind of existential shout that I'm here, I exist.

But something has changed. I'm not just trying to express myself, what I see, how I feel. Something new has been drawing me forward even though a new job or some other way for steady income remains elusive. More have run away than show me empathy. But I don't feel abandoned.

No I don't know the way forward because I'm still on the way. But the fearful hesitance has all but disappeared. What calls me and gives me hope in an unknown future is about how more than what. The why will also reveal itself on the way.

Subtly inferior no more

One high school friend wrote in my graduation year book that he thought I was a snob before getting to know me. Later in life some told me I was being controlling. Without discussing those opinions, they at least imply I'm a confident guy.

Even at the lowest points of my experience I never looked down on myself.  I did feel helpless and cried out but do not remember feeling inherently worthless. But I was influenced by what appears to be rejection and being sidelined.

You see I'm also a compassionate guy. What those I love go through becomes about as real as my own life. So any rejection from those I love hurts deep. Being 51, the occasional adds up and changed me.

Just like walking too fast, uncoordinated swimming, eating unnaturally, living inactively... ; I got used to thinking that everyone disliked what I did. This is actually conceit because why would so many people pay attention to me?

This subtle inferiority suddenly got reversed in my psyche as if I just woke up from a dream. I can't explain why but this happened on this dreary rainy thundery day in Hong Kong when so many problems in my life still remain open and the future is still unclear. Yet hope, faith and love are strong.

The comfort of fate

The comfort of fate fits much of humanity's mindset. Because we are often subject to limits, power, rules, morals, authority... it is easy to accept much of what happens as unchangeable: therefore fate. Some even want power to determine the fate of others. Yet for most, there is comfort in having no choice.

My last 2 entries touch on this. Deferring to someone else to make our choices so we can blame them if we fail, or to keep our postulates secret in order to say "yeah, that's what I always wanted". There is comfort in giving up.

My personality seeks change. I know many do not. So fate feels like a bad word to me. Of course I know there are things I'm accepting everyday as unchangeable in order to keep the peace or show love to someone.

But for me there is no comfort there. My acceptance may be temporary in order to continue seeking some better way forward. There is always a path that is straight and wide (not narrow) but you just don't see it until you need it. But if you don't look, you'll never see it.

Postulate

Postulate just means to suppose, to guess, to wish, to set a bar... things we do all the time probably without knowing. We hope what we want will come true. But when it doesn't: some stop and think failure. Worse is when we think our supporters have deserted us.

To get up, see what can be learned from the process and results, can help us start again with an adjusted or new postulate. In other words: start over.

The key to getting through this common path is:

1. Expect the unexpected to discourage us.
2. Don't accept that the disappointment of others is a judgement on us.
3. Evaluate and learn.
4. Don't give up.

This process fits our relationships, our work, personal growth or even just a hobby. It is a matter of seeing rewards from the most unexpected places even though we will be discouraged along the way.

Note: Postulate is both a verb and noun.

I swear or facing myself

Ryan Reynolds wears a fat suit and lip syncs to "I swear" that promises love.
Take 6 sings an equally sappy tune but proclaims "love is one never ending circle, that brings us around to face ourselves."

I think Ryan was right to laugh at the sentiments of "I swear" that involves an awful lot of work and over the top goals.

The reason perfect love makes us face ourselves is that it is unconditional and gives us the protection, safety, freedom to see who we are and become who we want to be. If you read my blog, I often come back to the fact that most do not know what they want let alone who they want to be.

Instead, it's safer to defer to some higher being to tell us so if we fail, there is someone to blame. Yet the point of love is to free us from that fear of failure so we can see who we are, so we can love those we meet in our life. The treasure and joy of life lies here.

So the fear of the simple answer and seeing who we really are drives many to work really hard to change only to become what we do not want to be.

It's a heavy subject for those mired in the downward spiral of chasing a nightmare. Yet the way out is simply to let go and embrace forgiveness, truth, understanding... because "you (really) can't ask too much of love".

Missing you

"I wish" is a song about missing someone close who is no longer by our side. They are still around but just not with me.

During the emptiness from which I am rising, I realized that I do miss many people whom I value but they don't want to be with me. It is sad but part of life. It is a mystery that even the best intentions can seem to drive people to reject us. It does hurt but I have to say I now see I am better for it. But I still miss you.

I decided to add the lyrics:

"I Wish"

I wish I could've changed your heart
I wish that you were here with me

I just heard that you were gone
Now I'm feeling all alone
And I am praying that you hear me
I hope you did what had to
No matter what I still loved you
Cause I know you always went through

And all the times I have prayed for you
You would know what to do
But you wouldn't come through
And now it's killing me cause you're gone
I'll keep you close in my heart
But I don't know where you are


I wish I could've changed your heart
(That would've have made me happy)
I wish we didn't have to part
(Cause I hate to see you leave)
I wish that you were here with me
(Then you could love him just like me)
But wishing on you is all I can do cause
Now I'm missing you

I never turn my back on you
No matter who wanted me to
See we had a love that was true
And what you need to understand
I would've took you in my hand
But there was something you had to do

And it hurts me so bad to know
They didn't love you like me
Cause your heart they couldn't see
But you knew who loved you the most
I hope you obey his plan
And decided to stay


I wish I could've changed your heart
(That would've have made me happy)
I wish we didn't have to part
(Cause I hate to see you leave)
I wish that you were here with me
(Then you could love him just like me)
But wishing on you is all I can do cause
Now I'm missing you