One high school friend wrote in my graduation year book that he thought I was a snob before getting to know me. Later in life some told me I was being controlling. Without discussing those opinions, they at least imply I'm a confident guy.
Even at the lowest points of my experience I never looked down on myself. I did feel helpless and cried out but do not remember feeling inherently worthless. But I was influenced by what appears to be rejection and being sidelined.
You see I'm also a compassionate guy. What those I love go through becomes about as real as my own life. So any rejection from those I love hurts deep. Being 51, the occasional adds up and changed me.
Just like walking too fast, uncoordinated swimming, eating unnaturally, living inactively... ; I got used to thinking that everyone disliked what I did. This is actually conceit because why would so many people pay attention to me?
This subtle inferiority suddenly got reversed in my psyche as if I just woke up from a dream. I can't explain why but this happened on this dreary rainy thundery day in Hong Kong when so many problems in my life still remain open and the future is still unclear. Yet hope, faith and love are strong.
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