Hold out! Sold out!

I'm still waiting for a breakthrough in livelihood and in a new project with my friends. These songs express an excitement in spite of it all. It's not about religion but life and the value of conviction. It's embracing the love of my life and moving forward. Not standing still but pushed by passion. Seeing results before they happen. I'm sold out and holding out for the journey that has already begun despite external circumstances.

Negative ninja

The Japanese character ninja is mysterious and has become an urban legend about a "secret service" in ancient times. The word "nin" is hanji (忍) that combines the character for knife over the heart. There is an extra bit which looks like a tear or a drop of blood (who knows and  I'm not saying this is the historical or linguistic origin of this character). It means to tolerate or keep hidden inside. But I suspect some extreme interpretations would be to kill an undesirable feeling.

The good side of training us to control our feelings is to maintain civil society, toilet training and other ways to make life more convenient or orderly. The negative side is that we actually think we can kill our feelings.

I know that we can only delay the message our feelings want to tell us. It can be as mundane as avoiding public toilets until we find a nicer facility but a more serious result is anger, burying our dreams and not expressing love. To find out when to express our feelings and when to delay it is all part of growing up.

I guess the Chinese character for tolerate which parents tell their children quite often is not too far off. It only tells us to hold a knife over our heart felt yearnings until a more opportune time perhaps.

I'm writing this because I'm dealing with deep seated panic and anger which I have tried to avoid completely. Perhaps from my past or even from current trends. I act like I have to hurry or keep up or act like someone else even though my heart is telling me something else. It's part of growing up. Almost 51, it's about time.

Go

I took a morning walk the day Hong Kong was on Typhoon alert. The photo is Central (the banking and Government district) at 8am. Empty, quiet, strange because it is usually quite stressful with people rushing about all the time. The message is "Go" just as I went through about 7 years of "fire". The song by Chaka Kahn has special meaning for me. 

I was arrested 7 years ago for something incidental (at best), it set off circumstances beginning with 18 days in a Chinese prison that brought me to this point in my life. I felt so down trodden when they finally came to take me away, there was a few seconds of amazing silence in my head in the midst of the hand-cuffs and commotion... It was as if all the world stopped for me and I heard clearly but quietly a voice: "Go through it".

Thus the photo. Go down the road my heart is leading me to. Not on a whim but an insistence that I have been feeling and seeing clearly for a year. What is implied is that things will work out and that the road will be made straight. I never would have seen this if it were not for the fire of bad circumstances. It's as if my going "through the fire.. to the limit" showed me life again.

Resist

My rants about how people ignore Sun Yat Sen's statue continues because of the new advertisement behind it which says "History you can taste" by drinking Maotai liqueur.

Shallow, hollow and so pale in comparison with the man. Of course, you have to think, face facts and read to appreciate him which is depressing and complicated. It's easier to swallow the alcohol and feel a buzz. A sign of the times, perhaps.

I wanted to post the old French song called "Resist". The lyrics speak for themselves. My favourites:
"If  you live an organized orderly life that you fast forget... If you realize that life is not there, that you get up every morning not knowing where you are going...
"Follow insistent yearnings. The world is not yours, come, fight, wave and persist. Resist.", 
"If someone wants you to correct your mistakes. It won't make them love you..." 
and the punch line 
"Resist. Prove you exist. Look for  happiness everywhere. Refuse this selfish world."
but don't forget to dance.

Money is pushing shallow, thoughtless trends that ignore History, real value, celebration and love. "Résiste" by France Gall:

Si on t´organise une vie bien dirigée
Où tu t´oublieras vite
Si on te fait danser sur une musique sans âme
Comme un amour qu´on quitte
Si tu réalises que la vie n´est pas là
Que le matin tu te lèves
Sans savoir où tu vas

Résiste
Prouve que tu existes
Cherche ton bonheur partout, va,
Refuse ce monde égoïste
Résiste
Suis ton cœur qui insiste
Ce monde n´est pas le tien, viens,
Bats-toi, signe et persiste
Résiste

Tant de libertés pour si peu de bonheur
Est-ce que ça vaut la peine
Si on veut t´amener à renier tes erreurs
C´est pas pour ça qu´on t´aime
Si tu réalises que l´amour n´est pas là
Que le soir tu te couches
Sans aucun rêve en toi

Résiste
Prouve que tu existes
Cherche ton bonheur partout, va,
Refuse ce monde égoïste
Résiste
Suis ton cœur qui insiste
Ce monde n´est pas le tien, viens,
Bats-toi, signe et persiste
Résiste

Danse pour le début du monde
Danse pour tous ceux qui ont peur
Danse pour les milliers de cœurs
Qui ont droit au bonheur...
Résiste {3x}

Résiste
Prouve que tu existes
Cherche ton bonheur partout, va,
Refuse ce monde égoïste
Résiste
Suis ton cœur qui insiste
Ce monde n´est pas le tien, viens,
Bats-toi, signe et persiste
Résiste...

Fix me

Fix me. I just realized that's what my heart was crying out for all this time. Maybe since I was born crying fresh out of the womb until I experienced a healing and revival in my life during this past year. It has not been a earth shattering or crowd drawing event but no less amazing and powerful.

I like the words "fix me" because it is also why drugs are called a fix. Money, sex and power are the most common non-drug related fixes but are just as deceiving in their temporal endurance.

Queen Latifah's version is a great contrast to the upbeat version I also like. As I write both of them are playing and they seem to reflect the 2 sides of my being fixed: both quietly but joyfully.

Crazy to believe

I would rename this song: "Here I go again... crazy to believe" but Mr. Hezekiah Walker calls it "He can". Coincidence, providence, transcendence... take your pick but my mp3 Walkman never shuffled this song until last week, when my emotions turned a corner and I felt a peace that seemed new and wonderful and deep.

I may be crazy to feel this way in my circumstance, but the assurance of being safe, in touch and creative is driving me forward to live.

Magic in creating

I like to read non-fiction where authors are thinking and looking at life in new ways. It's social, about technology, the economy, God, psychology, relationships, health...

I've had some time to look back and see the magic that we all miss living our ordinary past. But if I look back, there is definitely a direction, a passion and culmination of circumstances that change life. Mostly, it's been people. So I'm not going to assume any day is ordinary anymore.

With technology, it's been easier to find good books because I can see the words more directly without the physical marketing. I can also read anywhere using any connected device and always find where I left off. Like a true geeky multi-tasker I read a few books at the same time.

The reason for this mundane rambling about my reading life is that perspective gained and shared are often in deeper experiences that a simple conversation cannot touch. Art, literature, music and new online creations can open our minds.

Human nature falls back on easy lazy instant gratifying solutions, which is fine. Magic though resides in intimacy of thought, passion, reason and expression. I'm addicted to seeking these magical creative moments while I live my ordinary life.