Negative ninja

The Japanese character ninja is mysterious and has become an urban legend about a "secret service" in ancient times. The word "nin" is hanji (忍) that combines the character for knife over the heart. There is an extra bit which looks like a tear or a drop of blood (who knows and  I'm not saying this is the historical or linguistic origin of this character). It means to tolerate or keep hidden inside. But I suspect some extreme interpretations would be to kill an undesirable feeling.

The good side of training us to control our feelings is to maintain civil society, toilet training and other ways to make life more convenient or orderly. The negative side is that we actually think we can kill our feelings.

I know that we can only delay the message our feelings want to tell us. It can be as mundane as avoiding public toilets until we find a nicer facility but a more serious result is anger, burying our dreams and not expressing love. To find out when to express our feelings and when to delay it is all part of growing up.

I guess the Chinese character for tolerate which parents tell their children quite often is not too far off. It only tells us to hold a knife over our heart felt yearnings until a more opportune time perhaps.

I'm writing this because I'm dealing with deep seated panic and anger which I have tried to avoid completely. Perhaps from my past or even from current trends. I act like I have to hurry or keep up or act like someone else even though my heart is telling me something else. It's part of growing up. Almost 51, it's about time.