The pool syndrome

The link shows Karen saying: "I can't believe I'm at a public pool... why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?!" Although I swim in one just about everyday, many I know would not step foot in one.

Common wisdom is that since the pool is like a bathtub, the riffraff that visits them must behave worse than those who swim in a country club pool. One friend swears he saw something brown floating in a pool once.  But it's just a matter of trust. There is no guarantee that anyone in any pool would not pee.

The real factors to consider is how big the pool is, how many people swim there, the filtration system and how often the whole thing gets a complete overhaul. The newer the pool, the bigger and the better staffed ones actually have a better chance of cleanliness. The choice is yours.

This syndrome of drawing conclusions simply based on a prejudice is so common. The good is that it seems to simplify life and help us avoid the arduous task of thinking. The bad is that our prejudice can rob us of personal wealth.

Let's start with racial prejudice. So many draw conclusions that a people from a certain country are smarter or less smart based on the limited samples we meet. After all how many people do we have time to get to know. It's easy to be superficial and make us feel superior by concluding we are better than some other group. I won't mention any examples because this prejudice is so common, I'm sure I have concluded wrongly about many people.

So like our concluding that public pools are urine filled, any conclusion that a group of people are smart, less smart, hard working, lazy etc is bound to be wrong. Because it is not the group but the individual that matters when it comes to personal interaction. If we dismiss someone just because of what they look like, where they come from or other prejudice, without looking at how we really feel about an encounter... we could have missed someone who can change our lives.

For unlike a pool, people are not really options for us except for the occasional hermit. Even the most anti-social person will have at least one companion or acquaintance. People make our lives better or worse. Investing in them wisely is more important than any fund based portfolio. 

No such thing as mistaken tortoises

"There are no mistakes..." because they are the very things that make us who we are. It's a line from the very deep movie "This means war".

Then there is the story about the tortoise and the hare where the fast large rabbit thought he would win the race against the slow tortoise only to fall asleep. Most people think the tortoise is handicapped so it was a miracle he beat the hare. I think it's about being different. 

These 2 seemingly unrelated themes came together today as I took a walk in Autumn coolness turning into comfortable warmth up the Peak. I wandered down the wrong path and wasted (?) an hour. I also did not rush because of ligaments in my foot which I damaged by walking too quickly like the scurrying masses changing trains during rush hour. So I now walk like I always liked to do: bigger strides and slower steps.   

I'm the tortoise that believes nothing that has happened to me is an accident or time wasted or a mistake. I learned that even when I thought I was too tired to make the hike after the detour, I ended up enjoying to whole long walk in the Sun.  It kind of showed me how the last 7 years which seemed to be a series of unfortunate events was not at all for nothing. Thus the slow paced tortoise no longer believes in mistakes.

The Sun is there even during cloudy days. I also marveled at my new energy because the walk did not tire me out at all. It makes me want to take risks in life without fear or regret.

Meaning by design

Feeling hopeless and desperate for such a lingering period of years is a first for me. Some would call it mid-life crisis because the timing fits. I don't really mind. The point is that I'm seeing myself as if for the first time.

Any difficulty commands a response: not winning or losing because their boundaries are arbitrary; by it's all about life or death. There is no in between. At least for me. Some seem to like the middle ground but it just makes death seem less important by fooling ourselves that the safety of mediocrity and conformity somehow make us safe.

Yes. Life appears calmer and predictable when there is a schedule, a predetermined purpose and the feeling that one has arrived at a goal. After my prison experience, I also wanted that. But at the back of mind, I questioned if that false safety only means death to my spirit before my body expires.

It took ending a business, a few more false starts, a frontal collision with my health, then a climb, a prayer, tears, lots of encouragement, a few disappointments with lost potential friends but much much fun. I discovered laughter through tears, love despite dread, progress in failure and even everything when I have not.

Even more surprising is that I embraced music, humor, love, encouragement when I felt silence, hatred and spite. There is meaning in design. For all that has happened in my life has a purpose to build me up.

Even if you doubt that, I can assure you that as long as there is breath in my body, I will never choose to die but will hold on tight to the life that is left to make something new. 

This yearning to create is the meaning I rediscovered and perpetuates a new energy that will make my days in this body much more enjoyable and fulfilling.

Why do the nations?

Handel's Messiah is almost cliche in church especially the Hallelujah Chorus but my favorite has always been "Why do the nations?". It's so in tune with the times as technology has pushed our lives to new opportunities to grow and improve, wealth and power that resulted also gave us new ways to destroy and oppress.

The lyrics simply mean (for me) why do the powerful think they are something or someone except for our humanity? Why imagine meaningless ways to increase temporal power at the expense of life?

Serious, true and worth celebrating once you've come to terms with it's meaning. It takes suffering, relearning how to live but celebrating the whole process. That's why Al Jarreau is right to jazz it up.

I love the music of the African American tradition that is now mainstream in hip hop, urban, jazz, rap imitated by the most popular acts today. But it all started in hardship, oppression, struggle and a long wait which included much evil, yet out of the darkness there is a human wealth expressed by music.

 I'll post this incredible live version of "A partial history of black music" from the same CD as Al's take on my favorite Messiah song.

Dancing to "Lies"

In "Never gonna break my faith", Aretha sings with Mary J:
"Now i Know that life is meant to be hard
[...]
You can lie to a child with a smilin' face  [....]
You can cast the first stones you can break my bones
But your never gonna break Your never gonna break my Faith"

In "Lies" Jonathan Butler sings:
"Lies" as if in celebration.

Both are old old old. I'm after the feelings and the contrast here. About a year ago when I noticed the song about faith as if for the first time, it hurt when I heard the lyrics I posted.

Then a few days ago, I remembered I used to have this old song on vinyl called Lies. Again, I it was like I heard it for the first time celebrating even though the one he loves is lying.

In parallel, I moved from feeling hurt by believing people would help me in my time of need to having (few but moving towards) no worries, no grudges and much much healed to celebrate that I've been lied to, just like the song.

Just like my blog, it could be self-indulgent if I thought I did it all by myself. Instead, I am grateful to God, my family, friends and strangers who have blessed me, pushed me or just listened. Go to the first entry of a previous blog and hear the song "Be grateful". I feel this song in all its sass and infectious rhythms. Just like life, you have to go through a slow grind of reason before you start dancing. I'm dancing now because I'm learning to live again even in the midst of bullsh*t.

Dancing without applause

Well I'm no dancer so the title is a no-brainer. But I do feel like dancing just because I've rediscovered my joy and a way forward that is new and old at the same time. Yes the last sentence does not make sense but that's kind of the point: happiness, celebration, tomorrow and perhaps dancing are all mysterious to a degree.

Just look at music video stars. They may dance, sing and get a lot of attention but this does not guarantee they'll be happy, joyful after the crowds have scattered the next day. 

For me the urge to celebrate comes from a quieter place that is a mystery to me even though I feel alive and full of hope. It's kind of like these songs with sad lyrics from the 70's. But because the french language sounds so nice and the music so cool that it does not feel old or depressing. They celebrate our lowly condition from which we can rise by its acknowledgement and perhaps celebrating them instead of being pulled down by the sadness.

Sounds a little crazy. But so is dancing when there is no audience or applause. Yet the celebrating is no less real.

(The first song is about a woman not willing to give up on her lover who doesn't care. The music is upbeat despite lyrics like "crying tears of blood". The second one has sad music and lyrics that haunted me during my college days. It sings the heart of a waitress who is "working just to work", asks herself every morning "what am I doing today, what am I doing tomorrow" but dreams of growing tomatoes in the Sun. )

Un Peu Plus De Noir:

Je voulais faire une chanson pour toi
Mais j'ai oublié tous les mots
Pourtant je l'ai au bout de mes doigts
Je l'ai au bout du piano
Mon cœur qui bat sous ma chemise
Ne me répond plus comme avant
Peut-être a-t-il eu des pensées grises
Et pleure des larmes de sang
Un peu plus de noir
Vient dangereusement
Troubler ma mémoire
Caresser ma raison
J'ai encore l'espoir
Qui vient dangereusement
Dois-je encore y croire
Lui donner un peu de temps
Si seulement je fais une chanson gaie
Juste une seule fois dans ma vie
Peut-être que j'aurais enfin trouvé
Une autre façon de pleurer
Lais là je serai fière de mes larmes
Je ne serai plus abandonnée
J'aurai enfin trouvé une arme
Contre la triste réalité
Un peu plus de noir
Vient dangereusement
Troubler ma mémoire
Caresser ma raison
J'ai encore l'espoir
Qui vient dangereusement
Dois-je encore y croire
Lui donner un peu de temps

J'ai pas d'mandé à v'nir au monde
J'voudrais seul'ment qu'on m'fich' la paix
J'ai pas envie d'faire comm' tout l'monde
Mais faut bien que j'paye mon loyer
J'travaille à l'Underground Café
J'suis rien qu'une serveuse automate
Ca m'laisse' tout mon temps pour rêver
Mêm' quand j'tiens plus d'bout sur mes pattes
J'suis toujours prête à m'envoler
J'travaille à l'Underground Café
Un jour vous verrez
La serveuse automate
S'en aller cultiver ses tomates
Au soleil
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire aujourd'hui ?
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire demain ?
C'est c'que j'me dis tous les matins
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire de ma vie ?
Moi j'ai envie de rien
J'ai juste envie d'être bien
J'veux pas travailler
Juste pour travailler
Pour gagner ma vie comme on dit
J'voudrais seul'ment faire
Quelque chos' que j'aime
J'sais pas c'que j'aime, c'est mon problème
De temps en temps j'gratt' ma guitare
C'est tout c'que j'sais faire de mes dix doigts
J'ai jamais rêver d'être un' star
J'ai seul'ment envie d'être moi
Ma vie ne me ressemble pas
J'travaille à l'Underground Café
Y'a longtemps qu'j'ai pas vu l'soleil
Dans mon univers souterrain
Pour moi tous les jours sont pareils
Pour moi la vie ça sert à rien
Je suis comme un néon éteint
J'travaille à l'Underground Café
Un jour vous verrez
La serveuse automate
S'en aller cultiver ses tomates
Au soleil
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire aujourd'hui ?
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire demain ?
C'est c'que j'me dis tous les matins
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire de ma vie ?
Moi j'ai envie de rien
J'ai juste envie d'être bien
Un jour vous verrez
La serveuse automate
S'en aller cultiver ses tomates
Au soleil