Meaning by design

Feeling hopeless and desperate for such a lingering period of years is a first for me. Some would call it mid-life crisis because the timing fits. I don't really mind. The point is that I'm seeing myself as if for the first time.

Any difficulty commands a response: not winning or losing because their boundaries are arbitrary; by it's all about life or death. There is no in between. At least for me. Some seem to like the middle ground but it just makes death seem less important by fooling ourselves that the safety of mediocrity and conformity somehow make us safe.

Yes. Life appears calmer and predictable when there is a schedule, a predetermined purpose and the feeling that one has arrived at a goal. After my prison experience, I also wanted that. But at the back of mind, I questioned if that false safety only means death to my spirit before my body expires.

It took ending a business, a few more false starts, a frontal collision with my health, then a climb, a prayer, tears, lots of encouragement, a few disappointments with lost potential friends but much much fun. I discovered laughter through tears, love despite dread, progress in failure and even everything when I have not.

Even more surprising is that I embraced music, humor, love, encouragement when I felt silence, hatred and spite. There is meaning in design. For all that has happened in my life has a purpose to build me up.

Even if you doubt that, I can assure you that as long as there is breath in my body, I will never choose to die but will hold on tight to the life that is left to make something new. 

This yearning to create is the meaning I rediscovered and perpetuates a new energy that will make my days in this body much more enjoyable and fulfilling.