Real dementors

My favourite Harry Potter story is the Prisoner of Azkaban for many reasons but it definitely was not because of the dementor character. This death like thing somehow sucks up good memories and  feelings like "you'll never be happy again". I just realized I experienced this.

It's the collection of voices and actions where people say "you can't do that", talk behind your back to make themselves feel better or come to scare you by wielding temporary power. The moment of my arrest was the "dementor" moment for me. The violence of the attitudes, the absolute nature of the action designed to make you feel weak, oppressed and hopeless.

It worked because I gave up on dreaming and settled to survive a quiet life of decline. I kind of believed I'll never have joy or youth or progress because the scare tactic was so effective.

I know some people are oppressed by such sinful tactics everyday. The mentally challenged, handicapped, orphans, victims or anyone who seems strange or out of place. If you prey on the weak just for kicks, I think you are the dementor for them,

Well, I hope I don't act like that ever. It took 7 years but the horror of giving up hope is finally passing. I'll show you more of the liveliness that is growing inside me like a seeding plant in the Sun.

Someone else's book

There has always been controversy about "God's will". Simply put, we have to work out how much say we have. Arguments boil down to differing degrees of participation: from complete robots of fate to complete free will.

I'll just put it in another way. Am I living out life like reading a book? Waiting for what happens next because the author has written something we like. If we don't like it, we can buy another book. Many love and work like that: in total submission to the other person as if we had no say in the outcome of the relationship. Therefore living out someone else's book.

Reality is more collaborative. We all start on chapter one getting to know one another. This is true in love and work. But the rest of the book can be worked out together. Of course how to love and work with someone else is not easy. Nor is writing a book.

So am I just shopping around for the best life to live like buying someone else's book or writing our own. I know God prefers the latter. Why else would he put up with us?

The real story of "music and lights"

I wrote I was ready for the real story of making music and lights (blog title). Found these funny cartoon porcelains of Mao. I'll not comment on them. He is key to recent history but our culture is hiding from the facts both good and bad. Pity, because we could learn so much about building a stronger more positive society. Short of studying history, art can speak some truth.

We are meant to express ourselves according to our passion. Mine is not Mao. But he inspired someone to make these. I want to express what inspires me now I got my feelings back.

Wired wirelessly

Electricity has changed the world. It brought the industrial and technological age to this point but it is about to hand over its baton of influence to wireless information. We just got started because little portable computers just became the norm all linked by wireless signals.

"Wired" still means powered, connected and on a high. But it's nearly out of sync with reality. More and more work and play without wires on big or small portals of information.

But I feel wired today. Part of it is a buzz from exercise. Chatting and connecting with friends, family and God wirelessly or virtually but nonetheless powerfully and full of life. More so than being linked solely by schedules and obligation.

Ever since we could travel afar, life has been virtual as much as physical. The virtual ways of communicating are no less actual, real or meaningful than physical meetings. They complement each other. Because of the instantaneous links that are possible with our computers, we can have more meetings than before.

So art, friends, work, the world are all linked by a small portal we carry. If you can see that our relationships are as much in our mind as physical, then the virtual is actual and wireless is wired. It could all work together to make our face-to-face meetings mean even more. I'm wired wirelessly for this today.

Rehashing chapter one

I see that my passion has led me to this place in life. Though I lost it for a while because I believed the lies about value and truth. I know different. Don't know if it's better but I see a smoother more enjoyable way. There are those who go after chapter one and stay there. But that is just the hook to the real story.

Chapter one is just the seed for the rest of the book. What I mean is courtship, pregame entertainment, the opening act, the advertisement but where is the real product, the competition, the movie, the real story to be written together through the thick and thin?

I put it bluntly: Chapter one is like having lots love affairs or sex but no real love. Real action in life is never just skin deep because we are more than our exterior. Our souls need the satisfaction of working out what love means. A better future takes its fuel from that. Simply rehashing chapter one in life (no matter how exciting) will leave us empty yearning for the real story. I'm ready for the next chapter.

Useful pain

I'm not a sadomasochist and the title is not encouraging self infliction or seeking painful experiences for enjoyment. I think the feeling of pain was meant to warn us of injury and sickness. There's that cliche "No pain no gain". A movie line even says, "Life is pain. Get used to it"

Given we are not seeking pain as pleasure, suffering can be useful. Songs, books and even scripture tells us hard times can be good for us. The other extreme of sadomasochism is the fear of pain to the extent that it is to be avoided at all costs. Hypochondriacs can be an example of this.

My left foot was hurt from hiking up and down Hong Kong's mid-levels because I got fitter and walked faster. As I was using my foot so much, somehow the pain of pulled ligaments and sprain was numbed. After resting it and wearing a brace, the pain returned and my ankle is getting stronger. Healing was accompanied by pain.

On April 23rd nearly 7 years ago, I was arrested at Pudong airport to be investigated. They isolated me from my colleague, treated us like criminals, interrogated us at 5am without sleep and put us separately in a group cell for 18 days. After posting bail (which felt like ransom), we were to return for reporting and more pressure 5 times. After 6 months, they kept half the money and gave us a letter saying everything is OK. Outwardly it was a relief but despite coping with the "process" as best we could and surviving, I did not know how deep my pain resided.

I realize that this incident, though shocking to honest people, is nothing compared to those who grew up with constant abuse and oppression. My life had been smooth sailing up to that point. And the shock of having no control or knowledge of the process which eluded even our lawyers, the immense psychological pressure of interrogation and threats of long prison hurt me deeply.

Amazingly, my business and life at the time were the most prosperous. Yet I did not know the injury triggered a slow decline in my life that brought me to the hospital 3 years ago followed by a series of mishaps until I ran out of money, could not find work and felt completely depressed.

It is only now that I feel the pain that goes along with the healing of my fear, desperation and hopelessness. I did not know I was discouraged to the core, in my heart, my soul.

Like my ankle is being healed and I feel the nuances of pain while walking with a brace, my heart is feeling the joy of life and childlike dreams that is the essence of living along with the feeling of abandonment and hopelessness.

The hard times got rid of the burdens of bad habits like protecting my lifestyle, level of wealth, career status and my image to my family. Hardship actually freed me to see who are the people that love me, my allies and my friends. I feel the painful healing now.

Most important is that I see that God has been the guide in my life through thick and thin. My security, my hope, my future has been built on his love and word. I am not talking about outward religion but something deep inside me. My heart felt abandoned if not my mind and hurt is here along with the joy of healing. You see in good times I know all this only in my mind which is superficial compared to the heartfelt compassionate knowledge that I have now.

He has been the voice, the hand, the comfort, the peace, the hope of a better future while I learned about friendship. work, cultures, church, society, money, sex, love, hate, truth and lies. In the many places I have been and the many cultures and people whom I've met, he has been the source of  strength and joy. The active constant that lets me be who I am.

I thank God for my pain and for showing me how I have nothing yet have it all. The best things in life really are free! I never would know this if it were not for useful pain.

tell someone who's all that

This is gospel song calls Jesus:  "Burden Bearer, Heavy Load Sharer, Heart Fixer, Mind Regulator, Constant friend, (through) Thick and thin, Comforting keeper, Always be there." A bit corny perhaps and the music is not mainstream.

No matter what your faith (or no faith), I thought everyone wanted this kind of friend. Yet I'm amazed that many don't. Maybe no friend can be all that...

I once found and then lost this kind of friend. And it took a lot of pain, darkness and loneliness to open my eyes to real friendship again that is not about pills, diagnosis, meetings, awakenings or obligation.

It's about being still and not running around. Enjoying a hug more than applause. Peace not fame. Assurance not power. Love not judgement. Seeing not confusion.

Most important it's experienced and cannot be analysed without losing its meaning. Maybe that's why writing this has been difficult... a little like the hard times that bring us to true friends.