Useful pain

I'm not a sadomasochist and the title is not encouraging self infliction or seeking painful experiences for enjoyment. I think the feeling of pain was meant to warn us of injury and sickness. There's that cliche "No pain no gain". A movie line even says, "Life is pain. Get used to it"

Given we are not seeking pain as pleasure, suffering can be useful. Songs, books and even scripture tells us hard times can be good for us. The other extreme of sadomasochism is the fear of pain to the extent that it is to be avoided at all costs. Hypochondriacs can be an example of this.

My left foot was hurt from hiking up and down Hong Kong's mid-levels because I got fitter and walked faster. As I was using my foot so much, somehow the pain of pulled ligaments and sprain was numbed. After resting it and wearing a brace, the pain returned and my ankle is getting stronger. Healing was accompanied by pain.

On April 23rd nearly 7 years ago, I was arrested at Pudong airport to be investigated. They isolated me from my colleague, treated us like criminals, interrogated us at 5am without sleep and put us separately in a group cell for 18 days. After posting bail (which felt like ransom), we were to return for reporting and more pressure 5 times. After 6 months, they kept half the money and gave us a letter saying everything is OK. Outwardly it was a relief but despite coping with the "process" as best we could and surviving, I did not know how deep my pain resided.

I realize that this incident, though shocking to honest people, is nothing compared to those who grew up with constant abuse and oppression. My life had been smooth sailing up to that point. And the shock of having no control or knowledge of the process which eluded even our lawyers, the immense psychological pressure of interrogation and threats of long prison hurt me deeply.

Amazingly, my business and life at the time were the most prosperous. Yet I did not know the injury triggered a slow decline in my life that brought me to the hospital 3 years ago followed by a series of mishaps until I ran out of money, could not find work and felt completely depressed.

It is only now that I feel the pain that goes along with the healing of my fear, desperation and hopelessness. I did not know I was discouraged to the core, in my heart, my soul.

Like my ankle is being healed and I feel the nuances of pain while walking with a brace, my heart is feeling the joy of life and childlike dreams that is the essence of living along with the feeling of abandonment and hopelessness.

The hard times got rid of the burdens of bad habits like protecting my lifestyle, level of wealth, career status and my image to my family. Hardship actually freed me to see who are the people that love me, my allies and my friends. I feel the painful healing now.

Most important is that I see that God has been the guide in my life through thick and thin. My security, my hope, my future has been built on his love and word. I am not talking about outward religion but something deep inside me. My heart felt abandoned if not my mind and hurt is here along with the joy of healing. You see in good times I know all this only in my mind which is superficial compared to the heartfelt compassionate knowledge that I have now.

He has been the voice, the hand, the comfort, the peace, the hope of a better future while I learned about friendship. work, cultures, church, society, money, sex, love, hate, truth and lies. In the many places I have been and the many cultures and people whom I've met, he has been the source of  strength and joy. The active constant that lets me be who I am.

I thank God for my pain and for showing me how I have nothing yet have it all. The best things in life really are free! I never would know this if it were not for useful pain.