Mistaken anxiety

Yes I fear hard times but I just found out I am error-phobic. The first major mistake I remember was sprinting during recess, knocked over a small girl by accident and caused her to have stitches. My conscience kept me up feeling guilty for many nights. I was 10. That same year, I tried in vain to rescue a small sick sparrow who fell into our patio. It didn't fly so I nursed it in vain only to see it die after it's final deep breaths. I cried for hours.

My personality wants to avoid causing more pain than people already have. No I know I can't save any body... just not make mistakes that will make things worse.

As life got more complicated with all the cares that crowd out our dreams, I got more and more anxious that my errors would be too much trouble. I know the intention is good but the phobia I harbor is not. Somehow, I think I'm on the path to finding the right balance here.

Testing damage

So many kids are scheduled to the full in order to achieve not being a kid. We live life based on milestones, tests, awards, ceremonies which are used to measure our achievements. Education is important and we are measured against everyone else. It's hard to escape that reality.

Yet, the milestone or testing mentality can be damaging to relationships. Achievement at work, in clubs and family dominate how many live and this way of looking at life is linked to the testing and comparisons we do everyday.

Of course there is value in "objective tests" because a completely prejudicial judgement from a few people would be worse. To work and live in society, evaluation and classification help choose who to relate to.

But why should the results of these daily test results be the final word about who we are? These often superficial impressions no matter how clever do not begin to touch the humanity that lies within or tap the potential that is in each person. Yet many of us are resigned to the judgement of others.

What is worse is that the most common tests and milestones outside of school have to do with money, sex and power. Life seems simpler when measured by observable results and we admire those who are good at one or more of them. It can be deceiving though. We are made of far greater substance than these.

The point is that money sex and power are only useful in HOW they are deployed. Just because you have them means very little, they are like numbers on a statement. Unused or hoarded money sex and power can be dangerous because the results can ignore any effort to create goodness. Even if you mean well, thoughtless habitual practice of them can be a waste of time and energy because true human value are linked to something else: truth and love.

Any effort to safeguard money sex and power as you would a piece of land misses the point because all of them are ethereal. So to use them as a way to evaluate human value is pointless.

Many seem content with just the shell of existence they seem to provide. After all money buys sex and power right? Could this kind of thinking be the source of evil? Because money used to buy influence and love is actually pretty tasteless and will definitely leave you empty after the thrill of adventure. Emptiness breeds desperation. Hopelessness can lead us down the path of violence, hate and hurt.

A better test is in the loyalty and good will we share with others, which by the way is free but very difficult to see. When you find them though, you become a better human being. At least more fulfilled and happy.

The mystery is that like stagnant water that becomes foul over time, money, sex and power left unused or used to drown people will be ugly, disgusting and will contaminate relationships. So to measure success based on how much you have is like storing up stale water. The wrong test damages life.

Let those who don't really matter judge us according to such empty pursuits. Even pursue them if you must.

Inside though we can live a journey with friends devoid of judgement. Then we might be free to go somewhere.

Man in the mirror

There is a song by this name and this is almost a cliche theme in stories where the main character is trying to find the culprit only to find him/herself. But it's true. I've been complaining about how some close friends are depressed and negative while I've been trying my best to be relaxed and positive during down times. And it is true some are depressed.

But they also reflect me. As I really relaxed and let go of the "outcome of future performance" giving way to enjoying taking each step towards tomorrow, magically my close friends also eased up. This is a hard lesson and very difficult to apply because some feelings and prejudices are so deep, they seem cultural or traditional: something absolute. Surrendering any arbitrary basis for security is both hard and enlightening. I guarantee it makes one feel stupid.

I speak some Western languages, 2 Chinese dialects fluently and want to build on my tourist Japanese. I love getting to know the cultures behind the words, making friends and seeing how diverse we can be in dealing with the same issues in society. Leadership styles, politics, romance, family, power... it's intriguing and liberating but also disarming and makes one restless or insecure. One negative of culture is a collective prejudice and rules that we want everyone to follow in order to belong to a club. (The worst is when it's based on appearance and other genetic outcome.)

To be multicultural as I am, gives choice and dilutes the prejudicial hold of each culture but it also makes me feel less part of each club. Life does not become simpler and marks me as an outsider. I treasure freedom though and I love the bigger and more colorful world the many cultural sensibilities afford me.

I'm learning to see who I am in this maze of cultures I have had the privilege to know deeply. I love the human ingenuity that creates social and philosophical grounds that shape whole countries with both good and bad results. It's just now that I'm seeing myself in the mirrors of these cultures and how to face the man in the mirror. But more important: to see the man inside, the real me.

7 years from a distance

It's 7 years to the day of my arrest and an old colleague whom I hadn't seen for a long time arrived in Hong Kong to mark the memory. Not by design, he was with a new girl friend born in China but emigrated to Japan for 25 years. We discussed the culture and the trends of China. It was refreshing to review it all with those who saw things a little removed from the action of money and crowds spreading from the Middle Kingdom.

This weekend, I had a discussion with another group of friends about the Chinese political psyche which seems to repeat the habit of so many emperors who killed all opponents as the center piece of their rule. A university department head of English was instated by a political slight of hand and is trying to wield power to rid those loyal to the previous head of department by verbal and logical abuse short of physical violence. History does repeat itself.

The point is to learn from stories past but few take the time. Instead, we rely on short term profit and results, power grab, bad mouth those who are popular, change systems to favor those we like, all without regard of those we serve. For whether you are in government, education, professional services, even charity... any position that makes decisions for other people, you are serving or hurting someone.

Over the 7 years of drama which hurt and inspired me to change, I am looking at the past from a distance and learning. One lesson that came back to me happened 31 years ago in Berlin. The wall was still there. It produced real danger and absurdities for Berliners surrounded by a useless wall that was there because of decisions made in Moscow and Washington DC. Everyday you see the watch towers, inspections as the subway passed unused East Berlin stations, huge radar towers, guns, binoculars, gates, inspection, signs warning of danger, graffiti, memorials and the wall itself which was at its most absurd on both sides of a mile long road that led to a tiny village smaller than a soccer field.

My point is that those responsible for these decision created the abnormality of the walled city of Berlin. People were separated and had to live in such strange circumstances. Life does go on but the cost is huge.

I know it's all very complicated because it had to do with so many incidents and decisions that happened after Hitler was defeated. But what it showed me in such stark clear drama is that bad systems and decisions can kill and damage.

Any power must be used with care and designer of management systems (by this I mean any way of running a group of people, from nations to a family, business to charities, classrooms to clubs...) must use all resources wisely to help people or else there will be senseless suffering.

My 7 years of painful lessons, dramatic encounters and learning has freed me to face the future more self aware, treasuring my friends and in a direction that seems so simple and clear.

It's about music and lights in all of life, all we do and with the people who love one another. It's not centered on money, sex or power although they will be used. The focus must be to lift up the weary, give sight to the hopeless and strengthen the downtrodden.

I needed to be down to feel the pain of others and be grateful to my God for today.

Listen eyes closed

I'm swimming for an hour 5 days a week and listen to music on a water proof Walkman to make it more attractive.  It ran out of battery today, so I swam silently fully feeling the water glide over me, felt my body respond to the movement and flow. My healing helped the hour fly by unlike a previous attempt when the fitness results were not as good and it was much more of a stretch. I was eating carbs then which I avoid now but more important, I'm relaxed this time around and in tune with life around me.

To swim non-stop for that long, I listened and felt my body signals. Slowing down sometimes, relaxing certain muscles in between movements and learning to deal with thirst, pain and other feelings. There was a time when I exercised like I was fighting for my life but now it's about enjoying the feeling in the water which is kind of sexy. ;-)

The point is I focused on the experience instead of the prospect of swimming for an hour. I just moved, glided in the water, breathed, enjoyed, felt, responded... not really thinking about the time.

I think that's how I have to work and build relationships using all my senses of the moment, from now on. Direction is important but not micro-managing very detail and a slave to timing. Just watch the path and adjust. I saw this as I swam with eyes closed a lot of the time and just listened.

To be or not to be

My updated version is: to limit or unlimit. When we think about the future, we are afraid of failing without limits. Yet we often blame the limits imposed on us for our current state of failure. No wonder Shakespeare wrote that silly question.

So my response is you're here, deal with it. And since our end is also a certainty, let's unlimit our future. It's much better than questioning why I'm here all the time. What have we to loose if we all die having to leave it all behind?

I question my existence every moment I see life as my right and not a privilege, every moment I'm not grateful for all that is in front of me, and every second I worry about tomorrow and not see the beauty of today.

In view of this futuristic attitude, this song will not seem silly at all.

Is fear contrived?

We don't have to be afraid if nothing "bad" happens. Unlike pain which is a natural warning, fear is more complicated. I always hated wild life shows because of the possibility of seeing a baby animal get hurt or die. They know no fear so I'm afraid for them. Some would call me squeamish or soft.

In the song the choir proclaims "I'm not afraid of the darkness". When I sang this many years ago, I had not experienced real fear so did not know the passionate relief of conquering it.

I won't analyse why we fear because if you feel it (for whatever reason) we have to follow it or overcome it. There is no other choice. After being afraid of just about everything for a long time, I feel this joy of the proclamation. "I'm not afraid anymore".

Maybe if I seek out my fear, face it and walk through it, I'll see it is really nothing of consequence: contrived.