Less than zero: revenge and blame.

I got up really early today about an hour before the Sunrise and the saying: "the darkest hour is right before the dawn" is correct, I felt it. What started by a dramatic event that began a journey into my personal darkness never felt as dark as this past year.

I wanted the Sunrise to be a return to profitability but instead got truth, love, friends, eyes, heart and soul: all the things that make life worth living. During the last few months as I wrote this blog, remnants of my darkness began a new phase of being washed away. Fog and distractions that clouded and blinded me to the value the is life itself disappeared.

Because I had been very ill, being awakened in the middle of the night used to bother me to no end. There must be something wrong with me... Maybe God is punishing me. My last landlord was an old lady who used to say, "don't make god angry, or your life will not go well." My recent experiences like my toe amputation, no job and still no income in my new business partnership, can seem to be punishment or revenge inflicted on me. If the old lady is right, God is angry with me.

My most respected relative wrote scathing words telling me the same thing 2 years ago. It was like there is something less than zero and voices are saying it's my fault.

And they are right. I am to blame for all my choices and the road I walk on. I do not want revenge to or compensation from those who may have wronged me. But I do want freedom from this paranoia that life is there to get me and take revenge on me.

I realize that many do want revenge and to blame others for the oppression that is there. Let me take the example of slavery in the west. Slaves have every right to take revenge and blame their oppressors. But if they think that way, it is a new slavery to our own fear, debt, shame and anger that will seem insoluble.

In God and Nature I do not see many examples of negative numbers or being less than zero. Zero is zero. It can seem like death but it can also be a new start. The choice is ours.

Revenge, blame and the need for compensation for the past is less than zero.

Improvement, Intimacy and Inspiration is the journey out of the darkness of Zero.

Intimacy to inspire

I may be one of the rare men who admit I look for variety, intimacy and inspiration in life. Variety is common but the other 2 are not popular things to discuss because there is always the fear that the desire to be close to someone is one way. Inspiration is nice to have but I don't know many who seek it.

Children are the most easily inspired. That's what makes the trials of parenthood bearable. But we can extinguish the fire in children by the very worries and concerns with which we seek to protect them.

To get variety and fulfillment in life, it all begins with intimacy which is needed to be inspired. Inspiration is the source of creativity which brings interesting variety. Notice it has little to do with money.

Intimacy is available physically everywhere now but without the mind and spirit, sex is empty, depressing and can become revolting. But true closeness with oneself and others is why we live, love and inspire.

Useful anger

I come from a melodramatic family which is rare in Hong Kong where it's more about conforming. I'm all for expressing oneself but anger is so often used detrimentally or  use up too much energy. So I've often avoided it because it seems to cause more trouble than it solves.

But there is a time to be angry.  Protecting those we love, speaking out against oppression and standing up for valuable life affirming principles may be useful times to express anger.

As I'm finding balance in my life again free from fear and dread, I don't want to be like the "hulk" and be constantly angry. I wince sometimes at the violent rushing and panic that city people can embrace, but I want to save this useful emotion of anger for when it points out injustice or danger.

So since I'm no saint, opportunities for anger are rare. Instead I revel in the beauty that has always been there but hidden by fear, worry, schedules and other distractions to enjoy life. And leave those who wish to nurture peripheral pursuits to their own devices.

Sun Yat Sen and his famous tagline are unnoticed just like the great view behind them. 

Absurdity: "comme un suicide de Dieu"

"Le monde n’avait plus de sens, n’existait plus: l’immobilité sans retour, là, à côté de ce corps qui l’avait relié à l’univers, était comme un suicide de Dieu." "La condition humaine" by André Malraux.

This book is an existentialist view of life set in Shanghai's failed communist revolution in 1927. I read it and the above passage was not more or less depressing than the rest of the book. But this made my professor cry uncontrollably during class. The whole subject was too heavy for undergraduate university so few were moved.

I think most people will refuse to think about the concepts in the book which are about absurdity and our escapism but set in a dramatic sad story. Though it is exciting, no movie has been made of this book.

But even the title is interesting because what the French words say on the surface is "the human condition" but gets translated as "man's fate" or "man's estate". It reflects the cultural differences where a more "in your face" or Latin way of dealing with negativity contrasts with Anglo-Saxon diplomacy.

I remember this because I now know why my professor cried. The quote is of what a father (Gisors) felt next to his son's body after suicide "The world had no meaning, it no longer existed:  permanent immobility, there, right next to the body that had given meaning to the universe for me, was like God himself had committed suicide." (My translation).

Absurdity is seeing no future or wanting a future that frightens us because we are afraid of what we do not see. Communist revolution may have been a reaction to the absurdity brought about by the international industrial age whose turmoil produced 2 world wars before I was born. I think as we are moving to a parallel world of international communications and industry, there needs to be new ways to deal with our human condition which fears yet is inclined to cause absurdity.

For me, my last 7 years has been confronting my fear that the world is meaningless without God who either left me or does not exist. I cry with Gisors (like my professor). And I'm finding God again.

Trapped by "as good as it gets".

I'm becoming more relaxed again with a new sense of security and purpose based on becoming a visitor again. The main change after my stint with prison and an unknown process, was that I thought things were as good as it gets. Though many love knowing that, I wanted what is above. I thought I could be like so many who are satisfied with fate but someone made me different.

"As good as it gets" trapped me into thinking this was all there is even though I saw what could be. I live on the cusp of change and breakthrough. This realm has rescued and cured me inside and out.

No matter what

The song is about a boy who dares to be different. It's an old French song from the 70's and the arrangement is certainly not mainstream. The line I like most is "This means he is free. Happy to be there no matter what." The singer (France Gall) got all this from him playing the piano standing up and singing to mad rhythms.

Unlike the madding crowd that rushes to the latest fad, I prefer relationships to last a little longer and mean something more than "eye candy". The song also says "People who are not like us, bother us". But people who dare to be themselves may be the caring friend more easily than the popular obvious choices.

No matter what. I love this strange song that celebrates being ourselves. "Ça veut dire essaie de vivre
Essaie d'être heureux, ça vaut le coup" (I don't know how to translate this to get the full meaning). Click the link and have a listen: "Il jouait de piano debout" by GALL FRANCE

LYRICS:
Ne dites pas que ce garçon était fou
Il ne vivait pas comme les autres c'est tout
Et pour quelles raisons étranges
Les gens qui n'sont pas comme nous
Ça nous dérange
Ne dites pas que ce garçon n'vallait rien
Il avait choisi un autre chemin
Et pour quelles raisons étranges
Les gens qui pensent autrement
Ça nous dérange
Ça nous dérange
Il jouait du piano debout
C'est peut-être un détail pour vous
Mais pour moi ça veut dire beaucoup
Ça veut dire qu'il était libre
Heureux d'être là malgré tout
Il jouait du piano debout
Quand les trouillards sont à genoux
Et les soldats au garde-à-vous
Simplement sur ses deux pieds
Il voulait être lui vous comprenez
Il n'y a qu'pour sa musique qu'il était patriote
Il serait mort au champ d'honneur pour quelques notes
Et pour quelles raisons étranges
Les gens qui tiennent a leur rêves
Ça nous dérange
Lui et son piano ils pleuraient quelquefois
Mais c'est quand les autres n'étaient pas là
Et pour quelles raisons bizarres
Son image a marqué
Ma mémoire ma mémoire
Il jouait du piano debout
C'est peut-être un détail pour vous
Mais pour moi ça veut dire beaucoup
Ça veut dire qu'il était libre
Heureux d'être là malgré tout
Il jouait du piano debout
Il chantait sur des rythmes fous
Et pour moi ça veut dire beaucoup
Ça veut dire essaie de vivre
Essaie d'être heureux, ça vaut le coup
Il jouait du piano debout
C'est peut-être un détail pour vous
Mais pour moi ça veut dire beaucoup
Ça veut dire qu'il était libre
Heureux d'être là malgré tout
Il jouait du piano debout
Quand les trouillards sont à genoux
Et les soldats au garde-à-vous
Simplement sur ses deux pieds
Il voulait être lui vous comprenez
Il jouait du piano debout

Serious rest

I live in Hong Kong and just assume people walk fast. After all, speed is on everyone's mind here. In the 80's Hong Kong'ers tested so high on stress that they were second only to Beirut which was a war zone back then. For instance, they would press the elevator button again if it did not arrive in 10 seconds. But a friend commented on how people do not walk fast here. I thought about it and had to agree. People in Hong Kong rush but do not walk as fast as many US metropolitan cities during rush hour. In Chicago I arrived in the city during rush hour and found myself stuck on one side of a torrent of commuters.

Whether we walk in a rush or at snail's pace is inconsequential (except when you bump into people) but the focus on speed is just a sign of stress. It makes waiting unbearable. I wonder at the people who stare at the cook while waiting for their take out order perhaps intending to hurry them up. But it's uncomfortable and unduly stressful. Even games and texting can become objects of stress while sitting with your phone. The concentration needed to type long messages on the tiny phone keyboards or furiously scribbling handwritten input in Chinese seems to strain nerves more than it was worth.

All the commotion and focus on quickly finishing something is sort of what I learned during my school years. I approached my homework, studies and exams with the goal of doing them quickly so I'd have time for my friends and other things that interest me. It was such a deep habit that my healing, my job search, my business seemed to take forever.

Now I realize that truth is in how I feel and deal with every moment. My childhood was like that. But bad times got me thinking only about survival. I thought to live I had to just focus on the mechanics of the home, food, money and people just to get them out of the way like homework, studies and exams. I rushed them and made compromises without giving it a second thought.

The problem now was that once you got the basic things of life sorted out, what dreams or better activity await me? I lost it for a while because I just wanted to hide and live a boring life. Many want and love living simply and anonymously. I guess someone made me differently.

During this year since my first blog, I have risen from the doldrums of my stressful convalescence to a seriously restful approach to today. While I swim or walk or talk and the many things I will need to do, the flurry of stress and pressure to hurry up is subsiding. Instead there is a life inside that guides me to love people, seek beauty and want to create something good out of the chaos that surrounds us. I'm doing it while seriously at rest; kind of like being on an express train.

Why push a high speed train or run while inside one? It just makes you tired for no reason.

Nothing ever changes the broken hearted fool

That's me. I'm the fool that never had his heart broken even by failed relationships. I remember a best friend I hung out with all through out high school "dumping me".  It surprised me but I was not hurt. Another friend I looked up to wrote an analysis of me meant to help me but ended up confusing and misinterpreting my actions. These are just 2 out of many friends I enjoyed being with during my school days. I don't know if they enjoyed being with me as much as I did them.

Then it continued up until my prison experience 7 years ago and prompted me to write about my broken heart which I did not know I had until today. I thought it was just a bad time. But I realize as I hiked in the hot Sun up the hill that I suddenly saw what happened to me and why there is newness inside.

You see like a fool, I thought I had to feel happy to be healed and to have arrived. Unlike so many, I was always happy even when things did not go right. I just followed my heart and never looked back and enjoyed the company of others.

During my obvious trials and obstacles in my recent past (which are minor compared to so many, I know), I saw how cruel even those I trusted could be because some ignored me or even went after me during my lowest moments. Most of my life, I was the listening ear and the caring guy who enjoyed being there through thick and thin. I guess it's not common practice.

So I felt my heart break for the first time and though I blamed no one in my mind, it still hurt. It affected everything: my health, my love, my outlook on life and even the light went out of my eyes. But like the song which puzzled me over the years (because how could you sing about "nothing ever changes" in such a happy way), I celebrate that I understand nothing. What little we know is nothing compared to what there is to know.

Now I feel the pain of others in a deeper way, I see that celebrating our limitations is good but you may not feel like it along the way. But just like facing your fear is needed to conquer it, a broken heart is necessary to be of real value in this world to others. How can you be there fully for someone in pain if you have never felt desperation?

I'm not afraid of despair anymore because it cannot win. Just like this song which on the surface seems fatalistic but when you think about it: we cannot change anything except ourselves. But our personal change can inspire others to seek their own growth, discovery and creation.

The Universe and by extension life needs both Zero and Infinity which are like despair and hope. To see we don't know or cannot change something actually helps us find answers and see hope and Infinity.

(this song came out when I was 7)

I am the broken hearted fool. But this makes me more human and more ready for the future. "Nothing ever changes. Everything remains the same. We are who we are 'til the day that we die". Somehow this changes me.

Insignificant glory

It's just a guy exercising under a statue. He may just be enjoying sea view and our first day of Sunshine after a week of rain. Yet the statue is of Sun Yat Sen who proclaimed the end of the Qing dynasty just over 100 years ago and paved the way for a more modern way of passing on dynastic rule under a different name. Few think about the significance of this while jogging around it.

We reach for the sky and try our best. Glory is the applause which means very little compared with the journey we make in our miraculous life. Insignificant is not the man but the applause. For the value of each human is the miracle of life. It's just now that I am feeling the immense power and magic that surrounds our very existence.

For me the question of God is not a question at all but an assurance of life.

Beauty

I think I've forgotten about the importance of beauty in our lives. Not everything expensive or chic is beautiful. Sometimes less is better.As my healing continues, I realize there is beauty in the growth that is happening during and in spite of my pain. Circumstances are not painful but it is the hurt from the past that creates dread and fear inside us so that every little thing that seems bad feels so daunting and insoluble.

Now my view of beauty is deeper and more joyful. It's in proportion to the exaggerated hurt I have been feeling and now the joy is also multiplied. For the first time in a while, just swimming, seeing the cloudy sky (Hong Kong has been raining 90% of the time since the Spring), chatting with friends and music yes my music also stimulates a bigger feeling of excitement. Something good happening seems so great. My dumbness is gone.

That's why I chose the "Pass me not" song. The original is relatively calm and collected. But this choir makes it into a plea for life for love for newness. No matter what you believe, we all cry inside for those things.

Black Gospel music is fantastic. It's origin is in the pain of slavery and this deep wound somehow produced a type of music that has influenced all music for over 100 years: blues, country music, jazz, R&B, hip hop, rap, urban ... The main influence in mainstream popular music today. This is how powerfully people can overcome oppression. I am not saying the past was right because the wounds of racism and lording arbitrary power over someone just because you can is sin in it's ugliest form. But the African American culture is the definition of cool for the 2nd half of last century and has spread to all of the youthful world!

It begins with the cry of the heart for all those things that motivates us to live. If you haven't done so, listen to the song "Pass me not". I rediscovered it because my heart cries out. 

Beauty can result from the ugliest places as new life springs from the healing. And that is the essence of life.

Pass me not

I love this song and the way they are singing it feeling the pain of yearning for salvation. For me, the pain I have felt has brought me back to this point or wanting more life in it's risky unknown raw version. A photography geek view would be wanting a RAW file instead of processed jpegs for my photos. It's a lot more work but allows you to tweak the images with less loss of quality.

If you're lost with my geeking out just now, know that this song is how I feel now.

Unexpected quiet

It's not easy to think in the city with all the sights and sounds to distract us: both good and bad. You can get lost in the action. There have been moments when I lived in the quiet of solitude. I learned to hear the voice of wisdom and comfort that is there even beneath the distractions. It's a little like the cat staring at me asking me to take a photo only to notice the sign above it.

Similarly, truth and joy often come from unexpected quiet moments.

Taking life for granted: blinded by money.

I pass by a one legged man who lives under a public stairway in a small hidden park surrounded by buildings. I go swimming so early I catch him sleeping with a cat everyday. But I will not take a photo because it just does not feel right.

Remove the tendency to judge him or feel sorry for him and the image of him sleeping with the cat who seemed like he was protecting a companion haunted me. I don't know how to get to know him and don't feel an invitation to do so.

I could cast him as an anomaly or try to rescue him. But I don't think we are much different except for the walls and roof that make our home. Inside, we deal with the same predicament but probably complicated by the requirements of family and finance. Security is again clouded by money.

I can't solve his problems but I can see myself and how I live more clearly when I think about life in his skin. We both get up and face the day not knowing how life will turn out. We both must make a living. We both need companionship. And we both can make the most of what we have.

He just has less to take for granted. Money can blind us to life.

Timidly anxious and bold fear

I was battered by circumstances to be timidly anxious for too long. I'm filled boldness to face coming fears posed by an unknown future that has yet to be written. And so ready to celebrate.

China's history has been depressing for so long. My stomach is in tangles thinking about how chaotic and aimless the past few hundred years has been for my ancestors. The pic is of a Sun Yat Sun statue by the pool I'm using most mornings.

I then took one of him superimposed on the tall ICC. Not sure what it symbolizes except that the flats around it may look impressive, but I wonder how pleasant it is to live in a high density area despite the expensive shopping, hotels and the high speed train that is being built underneath it. This is a far cry from the ideals we remember of the founder of the Chinese republic...

History is still working itself out. I want to do a little to empower the leaders of tomorrow to make something beautiful and enjoyable for the little man and woman who make up our world. Instead of being obsessed with over-sized and extreme display of wealth, there is more treasure to be found in working out tomorrow together.

Any joy and pleasure from cooperation to create something we believe in and want, no matter how small is better than over-the-top proclamations of wealth and power. Simple pleasures, new meaning, moments of improvement, glimpses of beauty... These are things worth celebrating.

Open!

Living in the high rise jungle of Hong Kong for most of my life, I've noticed that most people live with the curtains shut. It was a little more open when I was a kid when I used to chat with the kids in the facing window in the next building. I even saw them being spanked with a duster that was common practice when I was a kid, although my parents never did it. But nowadays people don't mind posting their private lives on the Internet but do not want their neighbours to see them watching TV.

The cat on the old wall is so relaxed, I got pretty close to it to take the picture. I'm more open now too and decided to push the curtains aside in my home office so I can get as much light inside as I can. After all, I'm mostly working, reading and chatting anyway... nothing much to see should those with facing windows choose to spy.

People can shut the curtains or live without light if they want, but I want to be more open and at least not shut out the light just so I can hide my normal life. For me, it's about confidence, resting in who I am and loving life. A little like this cat. I guess that's why I'm writing my feelings on this blog. Nothing to hide.

More light

Relaxing just before an early morning swim. I feel like I'm basking in the light and the water. The picture says it all.

Sunny and poised

Feelings that have been tainted with clouds in my heart for so long are back to their full colour and depth. Despite the heat, the light is so nice. The cat is alert and poised just as I feel an anticipation like a 5 year old getting up to face the day. But I also feel a deeper drive to invest in lives using all the resources I have in my mind, heart, experience and vision. Hard to really put in words. So the pictures reflect how I feel inside.