Nothing ever changes the broken hearted fool

That's me. I'm the fool that never had his heart broken even by failed relationships. I remember a best friend I hung out with all through out high school "dumping me".  It surprised me but I was not hurt. Another friend I looked up to wrote an analysis of me meant to help me but ended up confusing and misinterpreting my actions. These are just 2 out of many friends I enjoyed being with during my school days. I don't know if they enjoyed being with me as much as I did them.

Then it continued up until my prison experience 7 years ago and prompted me to write about my broken heart which I did not know I had until today. I thought it was just a bad time. But I realize as I hiked in the hot Sun up the hill that I suddenly saw what happened to me and why there is newness inside.

You see like a fool, I thought I had to feel happy to be healed and to have arrived. Unlike so many, I was always happy even when things did not go right. I just followed my heart and never looked back and enjoyed the company of others.

During my obvious trials and obstacles in my recent past (which are minor compared to so many, I know), I saw how cruel even those I trusted could be because some ignored me or even went after me during my lowest moments. Most of my life, I was the listening ear and the caring guy who enjoyed being there through thick and thin. I guess it's not common practice.

So I felt my heart break for the first time and though I blamed no one in my mind, it still hurt. It affected everything: my health, my love, my outlook on life and even the light went out of my eyes. But like the song which puzzled me over the years (because how could you sing about "nothing ever changes" in such a happy way), I celebrate that I understand nothing. What little we know is nothing compared to what there is to know.

Now I feel the pain of others in a deeper way, I see that celebrating our limitations is good but you may not feel like it along the way. But just like facing your fear is needed to conquer it, a broken heart is necessary to be of real value in this world to others. How can you be there fully for someone in pain if you have never felt desperation?

I'm not afraid of despair anymore because it cannot win. Just like this song which on the surface seems fatalistic but when you think about it: we cannot change anything except ourselves. But our personal change can inspire others to seek their own growth, discovery and creation.

The Universe and by extension life needs both Zero and Infinity which are like despair and hope. To see we don't know or cannot change something actually helps us find answers and see hope and Infinity.

(this song came out when I was 7)

I am the broken hearted fool. But this makes me more human and more ready for the future. "Nothing ever changes. Everything remains the same. We are who we are 'til the day that we die". Somehow this changes me.