No cares, no debt

Worrying and caring are different. In Chinese 擔心 (worry) implies carrying a burden in the heart which sounds good but not when it adds to the problem. In nature and technology it's all or nothing, 1 or 0. But debt implies negative value and that it needs to be made up. This concept is useful only if the indebted party has funds to repay.

We were born with nothing and will die with nothing. What we own today will be left behind. So in reality, we are all just borrowing what we have. Yet so many run life as if we can demand favors and repayment and call the past into account. So and so did this to me so I need to pay them back or withhold something because they are now out of favor.

I think life is more about all or nothing, 1 or 0 (as in the digital logic for computing) and the concept of the sparrow. Religion aside, the sparrow is constantly eating, flying and being hunted. It doesn't know how to worry, yet lives. This shows that life is a gift to be embraced without worrying about tomorrow and definitely not debt which is more like negative value linked to the past. Nothing can compensate for time and opportunity lost even if you can repay with money.

To understand why life seems too daunting, complicated and depressing, I think it has to do with worrying about losing something or owing something. A better way is to see what we have at this very moment is a gift to be used well. Win or lose, we learn and have fun on the way. Hold on the a debt laden past (whether it is debt you owe or owed to you) and you miss the joy of living like the sparrow which we resemble. If you have nothing like the sparrow, there are no cares and no debt.

Lights and music on the way

(busy roadside flower)

The dread and fear that has hardened around my heart after years of being shocked and disappointed has finally subsided giving way to a release and freedom to see and feel my life. Finally, I can make music and lights again for maybe for the first time in my life.

Before my mini trial by fire (I say mini because it cannot compare to single parents, orphans or those who've been through war), I only knew about tragedy and salvation mostly in my mind. As my heart has been tested and then healed, I feel the pain and relief of real help and comfort that celebrates humanity and creates moments of love and true uplifting. I'm talking deep heartfelt experiences that changes our soul and spurs us on to create.

I have decided to post photos of the outward camouflage that tries to conceal emptiness compared to the deeper happiness and joy that defies poverty and fear. I want to put music to it too but I need instruments and a choir.

Looks still deceive

While I've been at work in and out of the office for most of my career, I found myself envying the dressed up office workers because I'm not earning anything even though I'm working with people on products all the time. Money aside, why am I still kind of deceived that the dressed up employee has something I don't?

We are easily fooled by appearances. Here are a few more:

1. Leaders (in business, schools and religion) are better than you.
2. Luxury cars are better.
3. Bigger homes and offices are better.
4. Brands increase your status.
5. New is better.

It's very simple. All the above are easier to market and for creating hype. They are all more flashy and presentable to the public like a movie or photo. Maybe they do apply sometimes but not for the obvious reasons.

Real value is what goes on inside the lives of those involved.

Fulfilled lonely comfort

Crowds are often used to cure loneliness. From parties to villages to large families to clubs to companies to concert stardom, they can stop you from being by yourself. But the heartfelt loneliness that I believe is the paradox of the of the human condition, is a much deeper and personal thing.

Here are 2 songs. One is about how God is working out our hardships for our good. The other is in french that starts with the words "He is gone just like he came... with no love" about how a woman feels she never really saw the man she loves even when he was around. (Il est parti : Veronique Sanson)

I felt deep loneliness for the first time in University and began to came to terms with it during my language Summers in Europe where I saw how creatively different cultures deal with it. Tradition, excellence, luxury and proclamation in art are my favorite.

Loneliness is most often numbed by activity. The solution though is in fulfilling relationships. It's simple to chase fulfillment in all the outwardly (in)appropriate ways like not eating alone, casual sex, even the marriage ceremony and religion where the superficial can easily color over the real problem.

So I chose the teddy bears picture for the song about how God's discipline is for our good which probably will fail to comfort the conditional feeling of unfulfilled love in the woman.

Loneliness is a mystery but working it out can bring comfort even if you are by yourself. Ironically it is this fulfilled lonely comfort that will make relationships fulfilling.

Jumping off a bridge... slowly.

"If everyone jumps off a bridge does it mean you have to?" or something similar is a common way of saying must you follow the crowd. The problem is that crowds rarely jump off anything or do something so obviously stupid. More often, bad habits are the bridges we jump off everyday because it's the popular thing to do.

Here are a few I've come to terms with:

1. Ingesting simple sugars like rice, chips, alcohol, pasta, bread like they were good for you.
2. Schedules, obligations and public image are sacred.
3. Excess, bad taste, bad manners are OK.
4. Thinking God is silent. passive and must be invoked.
5. Doing nothing just to think is non-productive.

To be clear they are the antithesis of improvement or ways to jump off a bridge slowly. I've found the opposite to be true in each instance:

1. 2 years of very low carbohydrate consumption, my energy and mood are high most of the day. Being tired actually points me to taking a pause for a refresh that actually works. I even get to eat all the time and get fitter. (I love to eat!)
2. My heart knows better what is important and what to do next. Listen to your heart and soul.
3. Simplicity and a little care is much more pleasing to the eye and for our well-being.
4. If God is the creator of this inspirational Universe that is both powerful and gentle enough for us to live... He speaks.
5. Running around is the most nonproductive habit.

Sojourner adventurer

Backpacking in Europe, India or any place far away is a good experience because it's about discovery and adventure. I did travel during University but not the whirlwind a city a day kind. I preferred to know a place by going back to the cities I liked and wander. I recently got to see India, Korea, China, Turkey and a little of the middle east.

During the recent down years, I stayed put in Hong Kong except to visit family in places I already knew. I guess I forgot about the adventure of traveling. There was depression and sickness involved so I felt kind of trapped. It's easy to continue feeling oppressed and powerless. After all most people just make do and try to be satisfied with their "lot in life". I wonder who decides what to dish out and why we have no say...

Recently I heard about some union jobs that are maintained as bargaining chips but are totally redundant. In other words, you go to work and do nothing. You must show up, stay put and read the newspaper. A recipe for alcoholism for sure. Though this is an extreme case, I think the mind set of feeling unneeded and trapped is very common.

I had it when I simply wake up and just made do everyday. I asked silently what am I going to do today and the day after? Surviving is necessary. But how much of this mind set is solving a real problem? Are we starving if we do not hold on to some job or work? Do I have unfulfilled dreams? Or am I working to put up some front or image I think others want to see? Who trapped me?

If I am my own jailer, then who's stopping me from dreaming, wandering, discovering and living life adventurously? So to solve this real problem, I want to be a visitor, sojourner instead of a permanent resident thinking my house and home are my castle. No castles, no fortresses but an open door to welcome friends.

What about safety? After what I've been through, I am still safe. Risk, winning, losing, running, falling, learning... isn't that the adventure we were born to live? I want to be a sojourner and adventurer.

Allowed to fail

I lamented the effort I make to comfort those around me out of habit. That's what I naturally do. After prison, I tried to comfort my dad saying it was not as bad as they think. He reacted by scolding me for causing them so much worry while I "enjoyed" it. I had to explain they were words of comfort.

Even during sickness I found myself assuring everyone I'm improving to lighten their concern. Who asked me to do that? I see so many just resigning to their condition and rely on the comfort of others. I need to be comforted too and as I lamented my feeling that I am not allowed to fail, I knew I was wrong. I CAN fail!

Be they rich or poor, people cannot find peace, confidence and love by trying to ensure they do not fail. They all draw lines to measure it. The rich have their expensive requirements, usually linked to a self imposed image they must project. Ironically, those with little money often find the same pressure to impress. There is just no peace in this struggle for acceptance.

Love is about surrender. Two way love is even harder to come by. No matter how it comes about, true love passes no judgement on personal performance. There is unconditional acceptance, support and encouragement. It's like being caught as I fall from exhaustion without checking if there is anyone behind me. There is!