Something out of nothing.

A cliche geek test is if I like Star-trek. One of my most memorable is the contest between Kirk and Gorn (the lizard head man). Not for the violent end but how the desert landscape seemed to contain nothing of value and yet they both made weapons. Again, it's not the violence but the ingenuity that impressed me.

I was really young then (maybe 5?) but the story kind of haunts me. I felt the desperation of trying to find an answer or be killed. The seeking of answers out of "nothing" is the best part of being a geek.

There are bad answers like a bomb or knife which were what the story was about. But I saw that good technology is made of the same substance. A nuclear bomb has the same technology of our primitive fission nuclear power stations. Though people fear the fallout of an accident like we fear falling out of the sky in a plane, yet I wonder how many anti-nuclear power activists refuse to fly. But that's a discussion for another day.

I'm not perfect and do not have pure intentions that will benefit all humans. For like any crowd, some will like it (or me) and others will not. Yet we can all try our best to find answers from balance, resourcefulness and creativity.

This is the key to successful technology and their use. Many non-geeks simply are just impatient when facing technology. We geeks like to tinker and make what we have work. Unfortunately like any business, book, art, fashion, game, apps, fame or any human creation the things that become popular (and profitable) are rare. It's easy to criticize productions which seem weird (the stereo type for us), especially when you are not the one seeking the answer.

I love to find the finesse and beauty of a creation that works. That's the good part of being technology and content obsessed. I'm one of the rarer type of geek who cares about what image they project (marketing). For me, all it means is finding ways to maximize the image my face, personality and body projects using good habits (like diet, exercise, sleep...) and enjoying my surroundings (like home, clothes and gadgets). For products or services, the same goals apply.

This will sound boring to some. But my waterproof mp3 head phones are a good example. I need it to help make 5 hours of swimming a week more enjoyable. But it took over a month for me to learn how to use it in the water so the music pipes into my ear-drums without water seeping in to muddle the sound. It's not easy and many online reviewers could not do it. Maybe a speaker piping sound through the cheek bones would be good. I'll give them a try. But I just don't like the design of the current model.

I enjoy the swimming, the music and the working out of how to use it in the water. The technology makes it fun to become fit. If you have read this entry up to this point, the chances are you are a geek too. ;-)

Dangerous excess

It seems lighter stronger materials and nice design has made 6 inch heels something to covet as the flowery shoe shows. But to walk around in them on uneven ground is dangerous and uncomfortable.

Excess seems to be in fashion. This is true for investing, buying, flaunting, eating drinking, celebrating, fun... just about everywhere. Some fly off to far off places just because they are bored. Others own cars that cost more than an average home. And we wear clothes that show off our status. Like the high heals though, is such excess dangerous?

Splinter bear rage

I asked a friend why I care so much about the people who seem to have disappeared when I needed some help. Why are they silent and feel nothing for me. The answer is at the core of my recent journey. I felt desperation and hopelessness of such depth and completeness for the first time but this is normal for a lot more people than I realize.

Somehow I'm snapping out of it and feel such energy and inspiration now. I'm free to see life clearly. And all that was removed was the pain of changing bad habits, dealing with my fears, my prejudices... These are things we tell kids all the time and as a man of 50, I'm still perplexed by such simple "splinters".

The only difference between the me of today and the kid inside is access to money, autonomy, people and opportunity. It should make things easier but it often does not. If our problems are so complicated and unsolvable, we have every excuse to be sad or miserable and whine. If you are powerful and have many followers, the whining turns into the roar or a bear with a painful splinter in his toe but his paws are too big to dispel it.

Maybe some of my old friends are like that. They are themselves sad and hopeless deep inside, have learned to build a sophisticated shell to enclose the problem and ignores the contradiction making the simple solutions elusive. It takes so much effort to look good without feeling like it.

Over the past year when dealing with my deep angst coincided with the healing of my foot, I saw what is me and what is the shell I hid behind. I learned to love the person I had compromised gradually by conforming to some imagined image of me I thought other people wanted. It sounds so stupid just writing it. Sometimes I am also that bear that whines and roars. And then I wonder why I felt such rage because of some stupid simple encounter.

So I'm not angry at my deserted friendships. Maybe they will come back or I'll make new ones. Most important is that removing the splinters in my life is leaving a calmer, more secure and bold man. This is freedom!

Silent relief

During the lull since my last entry, I've been feeling relief from pain and dread.

For about 7 years, I felt helpless when people whom I thought would be there for me, deserted me. Literally because they are no where to be found. The pain of panic and desperation was buried so deep inside, that it didn't hurt anymore until their healing. Many live under oppression everyday. I can empathized now.

My 3 blogs were expressions of the journey of facing my limitations and then dreaming again. I wanted to go deeper than the ordinary reactions but to see what makes us want beauty and meaning. I discovered I'm a geek but also a romantic who likes music and beauty: a weird combination.

As the pain caused by the oppression and desertion resurfaced, I faced my fears and they disappeared: the last week was really nice. Circumstantial problems remain but I feel so fit and light as I live my life. It seems that if I relax from the pressure and stress (not to bury my head from the difficulty), I'm better at finding the road ahead.

I think I'll be blogging words, pictures and videos as a more fulfilled me. The silence of the past week was me enjoying relief from desperation.

Simple but still not easy

It's not easy because it hurts to "fail" at love: to love someone who does not love back. I just realized that to understand anything, you must start with zero and end with infinity. The truth becomes self evident when all the middle muddle is removed. Most people get stuck in the confusing middle because there are some many levels of understanding mixed with hangups and half truths.

On the topic of God the "man upstairs" misses the point. If God is the ultimate being, the beginning and end of life, that caused the Universe to exist... well even if you don't believe in God, you'd agree that he would be anything but a "man upstairs". Religion makes Him so complicated. In reality, he is there or not there. If you think he is, the evidence is that he is active and communicates. If you do not believe, the Universe is anything but silent and still.

The topic of love is similar. "God is love" is in the Bible and commonly believed by the largest religions. Yet few define love simply. We laden the concept with preconditions, obligations and debt.

Like the concept of God, love either exists or does not. It's easy: just love someone and see if they love you back. I cannot elaborate because it's just something you know or do not, have it or not, want it or not. Truth about God and love is not complicated but fear of being hurt (and wrong) makes it oh so difficult.

Poverty, emptiness that makes us rich

Poverty sounds scary because we need money to live in society, especially big cites which I love. But being poor is a mind set. It's just realizing deep in my spirit that I was born naked and will die naked. Nothing to nothing. This is reality and no one can deny that.

Yet creative forces kick in once we leave the womb as we cry, learn and make things happen. Out of the poverty of our birth, we gain from the rich experiences of life that can urge us onward to dream and create.

It's easy to think riches are the obvious things we own. But being rich means knowing how to use our borrowed time and "possessions" to value the people we love. It's about use and not owning. If you realize nothing is really yours since we take nothing with us when we die, you are free to create, take risks and live. If you are wise, you try to find the "things" that are most valuable.

I pass by some mortuary services on the way to work. The sight of coffins is still eerie because we don't like to think that's where we end up. But the truth is that even those boxes don't die with us. When we die just like when we were born, we are naked and have nothing.

Emptiness sounds scary but we are surrounded by nothing. High energy Physics tells us we are made up of more space than matter. It is also more space and emptiness that make up the Universe than matter. Yet somehow, out of the emptiness that is space, out of the poverty of nothingness, we have life worth living. This sound religious but it is not.

Just look at how society sees death. Much of the world wants to make the dying of those we love as somber affairs because we fear it and want to publicly (perhaps pretentiously) express our grief.

Some cultures celebrate it. I once saw a dead body decorated with flowers being carried by a bunch of jogging men through the busy streets on the way to cremation. You guess where it was. But this way of treating death is much closer to the facts: that poverty and emptiness is the beginning and end, yet we live!

Real riches is the life we live in the midst of nothing and space. And that's the truth.

Exhale

When the movie "Waiting to exhale" was popular, another movie tag line was "While some women are waiting to exhale, this one is ready to get even." I still laugh at this. Over time, I feel like I was just tolerating and compromising myself so much and not liking it that I became a pent up bag of ....

Letting go of all the crap is like breathing out. In my blogs I left out the actual crying, wailing, laughing, shouting, joking, smiling and sighs because there was too much. In the end, all these expression of emotions are as boring as describing breathing. But not for the one venting.

My point like the funny tagline is ... why wait to get rid of rubbish and bad air? 

Free the elephant

An elephant in a room cannot feel free. We stay in rooms because it makes us secure in our own space. It's where we rest up and live our private lives. So what's the difference between freedom and security. I think we have all felt depressed, trapped at home sometimes yet it is the place that gives security.

I felt trapped for the longest time due to shock, sickness and habits. In facing the nightmares that haunt me all day long, I feel free again. My security moved away from the obvious shells of existence and suddenly I could see and dream.

Nightmares are just places where we get stuck and trapped. Love, trust and forgiveness that wipes clean old debts and wounds, frees us. It's kind of like setting free the elephant in the room.

The elephant in the room

It's just a funny way to see an issue that bothers you. Some cultures like to put the issue in your face while others avoid the elephant in the room.

If you think about the image, it's funny. How can you not notice an elephant? But groups so often avoid an important topic that bothers everyone but have to ignore it. It can be serious like leadership or trivial like being fat or thin.

People in Hong Kong like to point out if you are fat or thin to your face. Manners aside, most people avoid talking about leadership because it's something they can't change. Yet unless you are talking about your personal physical state, you can't change if someone else is fat or thin either. Yet it's so often a topic for discussion and unsolicited advice.

The most important elephant is the topic of God. You can believe there is one or not. Like the topic of weight, I believe discussing God does not help us deal with our personal conviction or life. Religion tries to put God in a box but like an elephant in the room you only have 2 choices. Deal with God or ignore him. Talking or avoid talking about God misses the point.

Knowing what you want

Song: Tell Him What You Want

The song celebrates the joy of knowing what you want and someone who cares. I believe "what you want" is key to a lot of things. Depression, envy, happiness and good relationships. In many love stories, saying you love someone is difficult and is often used to keep audiences guessing if the main characters are actually in love or not. It's in so many soap operas, comedies, detective series, movies and real life, it shows we all want to know when love works.

But I'm not going to talk about romance here. Let's think about what I want when I'm alone or what to do for work. The first thing to remove is the thought that if I had money, I would know. Or if I had so and so with this list of qualities, I would love him/her.

Here are 2 examples: A rich property owner with many assets in major cities lives a secluded life and has little desire to see anyone because he mourns the death of his favorite son. A poor father in the country side sells his blood to earn enough money to pay for the tuition of his favorite son who refuses to be in contact and has all but disappeared in the big city. Both wanted their son to love them when they are gone. Money or objective qualities have little to do with fulfillment.

I do not have an answer for their grief and predicament. But I do know that knowing what you want, being able to talk about it and being able to adjust the journey is key. I think we all want true love but most get lost in where it resides.

Here are a few signs I've experienced:

1. Love is free. Would he/she stick around if there were no money?
2. Sticking around "for no good reason" is important.
3. What we want changes but is grounded in the relationships that we think gives us true love.

So it seems it all starts with knowing who you love and want to love you back, talking about what you want and living out a journey. It's not easy but how hard is making up your own mind?

I need lots of rain

I got stuck in a downpour today as the skies turned dark and opened up the rain ducts. Even though I didn't want to get wet physically, I realized I need rain in my life. Drought has slowed the sprouting of the seeds of newness and creativity. Somehow, this picture feels like a precursor of things to come. After the dark downpour, the Sun shown.

No cares, no debt

Worrying and caring are different. In Chinese 擔心 (worry) implies carrying a burden in the heart which sounds good but not when it adds to the problem. In nature and technology it's all or nothing, 1 or 0. But debt implies negative value and that it needs to be made up. This concept is useful only if the indebted party has funds to repay.

We were born with nothing and will die with nothing. What we own today will be left behind. So in reality, we are all just borrowing what we have. Yet so many run life as if we can demand favors and repayment and call the past into account. So and so did this to me so I need to pay them back or withhold something because they are now out of favor.

I think life is more about all or nothing, 1 or 0 (as in the digital logic for computing) and the concept of the sparrow. Religion aside, the sparrow is constantly eating, flying and being hunted. It doesn't know how to worry, yet lives. This shows that life is a gift to be embraced without worrying about tomorrow and definitely not debt which is more like negative value linked to the past. Nothing can compensate for time and opportunity lost even if you can repay with money.

To understand why life seems too daunting, complicated and depressing, I think it has to do with worrying about losing something or owing something. A better way is to see what we have at this very moment is a gift to be used well. Win or lose, we learn and have fun on the way. Hold on the a debt laden past (whether it is debt you owe or owed to you) and you miss the joy of living like the sparrow which we resemble. If you have nothing like the sparrow, there are no cares and no debt.

Lights and music on the way

(busy roadside flower)

The dread and fear that has hardened around my heart after years of being shocked and disappointed has finally subsided giving way to a release and freedom to see and feel my life. Finally, I can make music and lights again for maybe for the first time in my life.

Before my mini trial by fire (I say mini because it cannot compare to single parents, orphans or those who've been through war), I only knew about tragedy and salvation mostly in my mind. As my heart has been tested and then healed, I feel the pain and relief of real help and comfort that celebrates humanity and creates moments of love and true uplifting. I'm talking deep heartfelt experiences that changes our soul and spurs us on to create.

I have decided to post photos of the outward camouflage that tries to conceal emptiness compared to the deeper happiness and joy that defies poverty and fear. I want to put music to it too but I need instruments and a choir.

Looks still deceive

While I've been at work in and out of the office for most of my career, I found myself envying the dressed up office workers because I'm not earning anything even though I'm working with people on products all the time. Money aside, why am I still kind of deceived that the dressed up employee has something I don't?

We are easily fooled by appearances. Here are a few more:

1. Leaders (in business, schools and religion) are better than you.
2. Luxury cars are better.
3. Bigger homes and offices are better.
4. Brands increase your status.
5. New is better.

It's very simple. All the above are easier to market and for creating hype. They are all more flashy and presentable to the public like a movie or photo. Maybe they do apply sometimes but not for the obvious reasons.

Real value is what goes on inside the lives of those involved.

Fulfilled lonely comfort

Crowds are often used to cure loneliness. From parties to villages to large families to clubs to companies to concert stardom, they can stop you from being by yourself. But the heartfelt loneliness that I believe is the paradox of the of the human condition, is a much deeper and personal thing.

Here are 2 songs. One is about how God is working out our hardships for our good. The other is in french that starts with the words "He is gone just like he came... with no love" about how a woman feels she never really saw the man she loves even when he was around. (Il est parti : Veronique Sanson)

I felt deep loneliness for the first time in University and began to came to terms with it during my language Summers in Europe where I saw how creatively different cultures deal with it. Tradition, excellence, luxury and proclamation in art are my favorite.

Loneliness is most often numbed by activity. The solution though is in fulfilling relationships. It's simple to chase fulfillment in all the outwardly (in)appropriate ways like not eating alone, casual sex, even the marriage ceremony and religion where the superficial can easily color over the real problem.

So I chose the teddy bears picture for the song about how God's discipline is for our good which probably will fail to comfort the conditional feeling of unfulfilled love in the woman.

Loneliness is a mystery but working it out can bring comfort even if you are by yourself. Ironically it is this fulfilled lonely comfort that will make relationships fulfilling.

Jumping off a bridge... slowly.

"If everyone jumps off a bridge does it mean you have to?" or something similar is a common way of saying must you follow the crowd. The problem is that crowds rarely jump off anything or do something so obviously stupid. More often, bad habits are the bridges we jump off everyday because it's the popular thing to do.

Here are a few I've come to terms with:

1. Ingesting simple sugars like rice, chips, alcohol, pasta, bread like they were good for you.
2. Schedules, obligations and public image are sacred.
3. Excess, bad taste, bad manners are OK.
4. Thinking God is silent. passive and must be invoked.
5. Doing nothing just to think is non-productive.

To be clear they are the antithesis of improvement or ways to jump off a bridge slowly. I've found the opposite to be true in each instance:

1. 2 years of very low carbohydrate consumption, my energy and mood are high most of the day. Being tired actually points me to taking a pause for a refresh that actually works. I even get to eat all the time and get fitter. (I love to eat!)
2. My heart knows better what is important and what to do next. Listen to your heart and soul.
3. Simplicity and a little care is much more pleasing to the eye and for our well-being.
4. If God is the creator of this inspirational Universe that is both powerful and gentle enough for us to live... He speaks.
5. Running around is the most nonproductive habit.