Why Joy?

I think Christmas is a mystery because it means so many different things: presents, peace, Jesus, a child, a sacrifice, love, vacation, family, snow, church, mass, Christmas trees, lights, music, dinner, drinks, plays, nostalgia, Santa, singing...

I wonder if anyone will ask why Joy? I love the way Whitney and Georgia Mass Choir sang it in the 90's at the height of her popularity and her voice. Though she is gone, her voice lives on. And this song is about Joy in all its celestial folly and celebratory raucous. Why go crazy with Joy?

A lot of the music I post is as a friend puts it, is "a bunch of black people singing". I wish I could live like those who sing so freely, so full of expression, so rhythmically and so soulfully. The last one: soul.. is the key to musicality. You can be perfect in technique but have no soul.

I won't answer my own question because I'm still uncovering the depth of it in ALL of my life, not just the warm and fuzzy moments but also when I am beaten down. To give a hint of the answer, I'll just say Peace and Joy comes when we know the pain of crying out in the dark to know there is an answer. Much like this rendition of "Pass me not" done around the same time as Whitney's "Joy to the world".

Both songs are celebrating the same thing. At least I feel and see it that way now.

Happy everyday! (during and beyond the holidays).

The mystery of time

Beat the clock is good for athletic training and not much else. Yet we are rushing around like we are training for something. I know. The goal has always been to be productive by doing as much as possible in the time we have.  

Many talk about time as if it were something that always existed. It is really just a measurement of change. If nothing changes, time has no meaning. How does it apply to the concept that "there is nothing new under the Sun"? I posted a song earlier whose first line is "Nothing ever changes. Everything remains the same. We are what we are 'til the day that we die."

Change is hard and rushing around is not the key. I found that my own change happened from within, during silence, while I cried, conversed, sang, listened, thought, read, swam, walked, watched... speed was seldom needed. I waited and I changed.

If time measures change, then it may be most meaningful if we slow down.

Verge of a breakthrough?

Verge of a breakthrough? Yesterday, I felt completely free to enjoy every moment of life. In my swimming, thinking, talking and relating, I felt something new like I was just born and saw life for the first time. Yet the past only served to support and urge me forward. 

It all started under the first beautiful morning sky after a few days of cold rain. Could a breakthrough be around the corner? The picture shows how I feel even today despite unchanged circumstances. I recall a line in "A room with a view"  where George's father was adamant to give their room to Lucy and her aunt: "I don't care what I see outside. My vision is within. Here is where the birds sing and where the sky is blue." I think he used his fork to poke at his heart saying this.

I can relate to this proclamation.

Flirting with success

The aura of success begins as soon as we hear adults and other children comparing people with others. There seems to be benefit in being faster, taller, busier, brainier, louder, stronger, better... It can become a life long obsession.

I found myself living in the funk of achievement. It's natural when I feel young and still learning the ropes of life. But soon there are other things beyond my control that are designed to make me feel like a failure. Once in power, it is easy to use it to suppress or oppress, whether deliberately or incidentally. I felt a victim of such power.

It's OK most of the time to think about life as success or failure. It is a mindset so prevalent that many will think I'm writing about nothing. And I thought that my exit from my bad times would be success of some sort. It may involve that but the exit I seek and need lies elsewhere.

What I mean is being better than someone else may be true and that I need to move forward is also true. Yet the "success" of improvement or some sort of prize or achievement cannot become the security I need. 

Success is like icing or the cherry on a cake. The substance of life is in relationships that are unconditional. So I have stopped flirting with the effort of manipulation and seduction that so is taught by many to get what they want, but instead rest in the exchange with those who love me and want me to love them.

I have discovered this happens all the time. They are almost magical connections we can have with the most unlikely people. Even better, it can happen with someone so close-by and familiar, it's too easy not to treasure them and see the magic that was always there.

In the end, if there is any success to be had, I would prefer to share it with those who are like family than strangers who never go further than a flirt with success.

The right question

In education and research, asking good questions is key to learning, innovation and new directions. Religion, philosophy, institutions, science and superstition all try to answer our basic need to know why and how stuff happens. 

Some cultures tend to encourage questions in learning more than others and I hope the whole world is moving towards that. While some fear asking stupid questions, others are encouraged to be inquisitive, curious and investigate freely.

In the movie IRobot, the avatar of a dead scientist has a limited list of responses so it is up to Will Smith to ask the right question. Life is simple enough without the way we add so many requirements, don'ts, have-to's, world views, grudges, debts, limits that the right question is probably so simple, it still eludes us.

For example, in mathematics which is a logical model of the world, the concept of zero and infinity is absolutely essential in innovation such as quantum mechanics (which gave us semi-conductors and therefore the digital age)... We only had arithmetic and other simple number crunching before that using tools like the abacus which I think 21st Century kids will never have heard of.

Being a geek and nerd at heart, I see how key the simple concept of zero and infinity is, as does Mr. Kahn of khanacademy.org. Neither concept actually exist in real life. We can never find nothing or endlessness as examples.

It also translates to real life. Many commentators of the last Century said we no longer needed God in modern times. I beg to differ.

If we need the non-existent concepts of zero and infinity in math. and science to make sense of the world, we also need the concept of nothing and endlessness in life to make true sense. Some would call this concept: God.

And questions I ask Him everyday is: how do I connect with fellow humans to overcome our desperation? I hope this is the right question.

God alone

A modern french classic sad song from the 70's still celebrated like this video which was in front of the Elysée Palace in Paris (like the Whitehouse in DC). I like the original recording even more of Véronique Sanson's Ma Révérence. It's about stripping aside the things that delay a realization of loneliness such as children, friends, ambitions, beauty... for in the end we are left with a small voice that groans and sighs we are all alone in the world.

This image is everywhere. The small blue marble we live on is alone in a dark expanse as big as infinity. We are born alone  when we cry out for someone to hold us only to grow up fearing the unavoidable prospect of dying alone.

Yet, God is alone too. I posted a gospel song  earlier that echos the title He is God alone. His lonliness is assured in the definition of an all powerful being from which life begins and ends. Who can be his companion?

In my recent difficulties, I could find no way out as all doors seemed to be shut. I felt stripped of the temporary fixes that we use each day to color over the fear of boredom and loneliness. I was left to face desperation and hopelessness alone. Somehow, it is in this state that I am lifted up from the darkness and shit that symbolize the bad times.

In desperation, I cried out repeatedly and I felt someone hearing me over an over. 

I conclude with this paradox: God is alone. I am alone. The more deeply I feel this solitude, the closer I am to seeing Him. And the better I am at being close to my fellow humans. 

This song has new meaning for me He's my up when I'm down. For the "up" I'm feeling now is not one you can find in a crowd or public performance. It is in desperate loneliness, away from the bandages of compensation for solitude, that I am being lifted out of the pit of despair.

Love song Christmas

Love songs are a staple in music but I think there are as many about breaking up as about celebrating love. For me, I hear a love song at Christmas. One of God who wants to be close to us.

Our response: say what? how can the Master of the Universe be our friend? We need laws. We are unworthy. You don't exist. Why is there suffering? Who created evil?... Anything but get close to me. It's too embarrassing/uncomfortable...

I always wonder at the aversion to closeness in so many many people. Maybe we are all waiting for the right guy/girl. But why do some parents not want to be close to their own children? Or even worse, to take sexual advantage of them because sex is often mistaken for intimacy (just google the word and see how many sexually implicit pics appear).

But the story of Christmas is God becoming human. It is the ultimate way to reach out for closeness, personal intimacy and companionship. Even if you don't believe this, it's still a love song! Do you hear what I hear? I hear the story of the most anyone can do to be our closest friend: I hear God say all I want is you.

Taken through

No matter what you believe, the rhythm and bass line are hypnotic. If only life can be so lively and celebratory all the time...

I've been taken through a long spell of what feels like trouble from the law, money, friends, relatives, work, depression, loneliness, hopelessness, jail, sickness, lies, oppression... Yes it was hard but I feel like I'm through it. Enjoy this proclamation.

It reminds me of another gospel song lyric: "...so many people doubt him; I can't live without him..." and this song which David sings so gently:  "True Colors"

Have to

The only "have to" is what you owe yourself. Sounds selfish. But it's like the airline security guideline where you put on your own oxygen mask before helping children. 

Everything else we do for others works best if we really want to do it. The key is knowing what we want. Like the oxygen mask, our feelings are more clear when we are in tune with that which gives us life.

Helpless enjoyment

It's amazing how desperate life has had a habit of seeming to me.  Archaic  sentence but my feeling is convoluted in a similar way. Yet, the feeling of helplessness is precisely the truth. For life itself has nothing to do with us. It is a gift.

And gifts are meant to be enjoyed even when we feel completely and utterly helpless.

Living birthdays

Birthdays are special. Parties. Cakes. Presents. And now there's Facebook to remind everyone. It's good for me to be grateful for life.

On this my special day, I woke up with a new sense of freedom and embrace from life and perhaps God. I say perhaps not because of my own doubt but out of respect for those struggling with suffering sickness limitations...

It's hard to believe someone created such anomalies. Yet in the past year I've returned to My Faith like a mustard seed. Somehow the assurance of such a faint notion compared to the concept of The Master of The Universe has returned me to the constant of life which we were born with. As we batter one another out of fear our fragile faith can become weak and can easily die.

For me the celebration of life is in creativity, friendship and taking steps each day to overcome.

Don't give up... never give in

Like most music I've posted, they don't give instant gratification: you have to endure some slow even dissonant parts before it gets upbeat. Such is the case also with Winston's speech in the middle of World War II: you can't get more dissonant than war during which this speech hits profound notes in our heart.

"Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy." 

Winston Churchill, Harrow School, 1941.

My favourite group is Take 6 because they are so well rounded and make great soulful music. This song just tells the life that is in my heart and pushing me to newness for over a year now. But it all begins with leadership the likes of which are rare today. That's why Winston's famous short sweet speech is so appropriate.

Don't give up (by Peter Gabriel)

In this proud land we grew up strongWe were wanted all alongI was taught to fight, i was taught to winI never thought i could failNo fight left or so it seemsI am a man whose dreams have all desertedTried to change my face and change my nameBut no one wants you when you lose

---DON'T GIVE UP, CAUSE YOU HAVE A FRIEND------DON'T GIVE UP, YOU'RE NOT BEATEN YET------DON'T GIVE UP CAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT------IF YOU DON'T GIVE UP---

Though i saw it all aroundI never thought that i could be affectedThought that we'd be the last to goIt is so strange the way things turnDrove the night toward my homeThe place where i was born by the lakesideAs daylight broke i saw the earththe trees had burned down to the ground

Rest your headYou worry too muchHey it's gonna be alright

When times get roughYou can fall back on usDon't give upPlease don't give up"

Where do you start?

It all begins with those whom you love and love you back and those who love you and you love back or a combination of the two because it no longer matters who started it...

Sound confusing? It is because love is a mystery. No one knows why and who started it and we all fear it will end. I never feared it until my recent mild yet still terrible trials. Somehow I always felt loved and wanted to share it.

Going through the "fire" has solidified this love like iron to steel or coal to a diamond: I feel it even when I'm afraid, feel loathed, nervous, unsure, tired, during the deepest negatives in contrast to my past innocence. 

I changed but the love never did.

The pool syndrome

The link shows Karen saying: "I can't believe I'm at a public pool... why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?!" Although I swim in one just about everyday, many I know would not step foot in one.

Common wisdom is that since the pool is like a bathtub, the riffraff that visits them must behave worse than those who swim in a country club pool. One friend swears he saw something brown floating in a pool once.  But it's just a matter of trust. There is no guarantee that anyone in any pool would not pee.

The real factors to consider is how big the pool is, how many people swim there, the filtration system and how often the whole thing gets a complete overhaul. The newer the pool, the bigger and the better staffed ones actually have a better chance of cleanliness. The choice is yours.

This syndrome of drawing conclusions simply based on a prejudice is so common. The good is that it seems to simplify life and help us avoid the arduous task of thinking. The bad is that our prejudice can rob us of personal wealth.

Let's start with racial prejudice. So many draw conclusions that a people from a certain country are smarter or less smart based on the limited samples we meet. After all how many people do we have time to get to know. It's easy to be superficial and make us feel superior by concluding we are better than some other group. I won't mention any examples because this prejudice is so common, I'm sure I have concluded wrongly about many people.

So like our concluding that public pools are urine filled, any conclusion that a group of people are smart, less smart, hard working, lazy etc is bound to be wrong. Because it is not the group but the individual that matters when it comes to personal interaction. If we dismiss someone just because of what they look like, where they come from or other prejudice, without looking at how we really feel about an encounter... we could have missed someone who can change our lives.

For unlike a pool, people are not really options for us except for the occasional hermit. Even the most anti-social person will have at least one companion or acquaintance. People make our lives better or worse. Investing in them wisely is more important than any fund based portfolio. 

No such thing as mistaken tortoises

"There are no mistakes..." because they are the very things that make us who we are. It's a line from the very deep movie "This means war".

Then there is the story about the tortoise and the hare where the fast large rabbit thought he would win the race against the slow tortoise only to fall asleep. Most people think the tortoise is handicapped so it was a miracle he beat the hare. I think it's about being different. 

These 2 seemingly unrelated themes came together today as I took a walk in Autumn coolness turning into comfortable warmth up the Peak. I wandered down the wrong path and wasted (?) an hour. I also did not rush because of ligaments in my foot which I damaged by walking too quickly like the scurrying masses changing trains during rush hour. So I now walk like I always liked to do: bigger strides and slower steps.   

I'm the tortoise that believes nothing that has happened to me is an accident or time wasted or a mistake. I learned that even when I thought I was too tired to make the hike after the detour, I ended up enjoying to whole long walk in the Sun.  It kind of showed me how the last 7 years which seemed to be a series of unfortunate events was not at all for nothing. Thus the slow paced tortoise no longer believes in mistakes.

The Sun is there even during cloudy days. I also marveled at my new energy because the walk did not tire me out at all. It makes me want to take risks in life without fear or regret.

Meaning by design

Feeling hopeless and desperate for such a lingering period of years is a first for me. Some would call it mid-life crisis because the timing fits. I don't really mind. The point is that I'm seeing myself as if for the first time.

Any difficulty commands a response: not winning or losing because their boundaries are arbitrary; by it's all about life or death. There is no in between. At least for me. Some seem to like the middle ground but it just makes death seem less important by fooling ourselves that the safety of mediocrity and conformity somehow make us safe.

Yes. Life appears calmer and predictable when there is a schedule, a predetermined purpose and the feeling that one has arrived at a goal. After my prison experience, I also wanted that. But at the back of mind, I questioned if that false safety only means death to my spirit before my body expires.

It took ending a business, a few more false starts, a frontal collision with my health, then a climb, a prayer, tears, lots of encouragement, a few disappointments with lost potential friends but much much fun. I discovered laughter through tears, love despite dread, progress in failure and even everything when I have not.

Even more surprising is that I embraced music, humor, love, encouragement when I felt silence, hatred and spite. There is meaning in design. For all that has happened in my life has a purpose to build me up.

Even if you doubt that, I can assure you that as long as there is breath in my body, I will never choose to die but will hold on tight to the life that is left to make something new. 

This yearning to create is the meaning I rediscovered and perpetuates a new energy that will make my days in this body much more enjoyable and fulfilling.

Why do the nations?

Handel's Messiah is almost cliche in church especially the Hallelujah Chorus but my favorite has always been "Why do the nations?". It's so in tune with the times as technology has pushed our lives to new opportunities to grow and improve, wealth and power that resulted also gave us new ways to destroy and oppress.

The lyrics simply mean (for me) why do the powerful think they are something or someone except for our humanity? Why imagine meaningless ways to increase temporal power at the expense of life?

Serious, true and worth celebrating once you've come to terms with it's meaning. It takes suffering, relearning how to live but celebrating the whole process. That's why Al Jarreau is right to jazz it up.

I love the music of the African American tradition that is now mainstream in hip hop, urban, jazz, rap imitated by the most popular acts today. But it all started in hardship, oppression, struggle and a long wait which included much evil, yet out of the darkness there is a human wealth expressed by music.

 I'll post this incredible live version of "A partial history of black music" from the same CD as Al's take on my favorite Messiah song.

Dancing to "Lies"

In "Never gonna break my faith", Aretha sings with Mary J:
"Now i Know that life is meant to be hard
[...]
You can lie to a child with a smilin' face  [....]
You can cast the first stones you can break my bones
But your never gonna break Your never gonna break my Faith"

In "Lies" Jonathan Butler sings:
"Lies" as if in celebration.

Both are old old old. I'm after the feelings and the contrast here. About a year ago when I noticed the song about faith as if for the first time, it hurt when I heard the lyrics I posted.

Then a few days ago, I remembered I used to have this old song on vinyl called Lies. Again, I it was like I heard it for the first time celebrating even though the one he loves is lying.

In parallel, I moved from feeling hurt by believing people would help me in my time of need to having (few but moving towards) no worries, no grudges and much much healed to celebrate that I've been lied to, just like the song.

Just like my blog, it could be self-indulgent if I thought I did it all by myself. Instead, I am grateful to God, my family, friends and strangers who have blessed me, pushed me or just listened. Go to the first entry of a previous blog and hear the song "Be grateful". I feel this song in all its sass and infectious rhythms. Just like life, you have to go through a slow grind of reason before you start dancing. I'm dancing now because I'm learning to live again even in the midst of bullsh*t.

Dancing without applause

Well I'm no dancer so the title is a no-brainer. But I do feel like dancing just because I've rediscovered my joy and a way forward that is new and old at the same time. Yes the last sentence does not make sense but that's kind of the point: happiness, celebration, tomorrow and perhaps dancing are all mysterious to a degree.

Just look at music video stars. They may dance, sing and get a lot of attention but this does not guarantee they'll be happy, joyful after the crowds have scattered the next day. 

For me the urge to celebrate comes from a quieter place that is a mystery to me even though I feel alive and full of hope. It's kind of like these songs with sad lyrics from the 70's. But because the french language sounds so nice and the music so cool that it does not feel old or depressing. They celebrate our lowly condition from which we can rise by its acknowledgement and perhaps celebrating them instead of being pulled down by the sadness.

Sounds a little crazy. But so is dancing when there is no audience or applause. Yet the celebrating is no less real.

(The first song is about a woman not willing to give up on her lover who doesn't care. The music is upbeat despite lyrics like "crying tears of blood". The second one has sad music and lyrics that haunted me during my college days. It sings the heart of a waitress who is "working just to work", asks herself every morning "what am I doing today, what am I doing tomorrow" but dreams of growing tomatoes in the Sun. )

Un Peu Plus De Noir:

Je voulais faire une chanson pour toi
Mais j'ai oublié tous les mots
Pourtant je l'ai au bout de mes doigts
Je l'ai au bout du piano
Mon cœur qui bat sous ma chemise
Ne me répond plus comme avant
Peut-être a-t-il eu des pensées grises
Et pleure des larmes de sang
Un peu plus de noir
Vient dangereusement
Troubler ma mémoire
Caresser ma raison
J'ai encore l'espoir
Qui vient dangereusement
Dois-je encore y croire
Lui donner un peu de temps
Si seulement je fais une chanson gaie
Juste une seule fois dans ma vie
Peut-être que j'aurais enfin trouvé
Une autre façon de pleurer
Lais là je serai fière de mes larmes
Je ne serai plus abandonnée
J'aurai enfin trouvé une arme
Contre la triste réalité
Un peu plus de noir
Vient dangereusement
Troubler ma mémoire
Caresser ma raison
J'ai encore l'espoir
Qui vient dangereusement
Dois-je encore y croire
Lui donner un peu de temps

J'ai pas d'mandé à v'nir au monde
J'voudrais seul'ment qu'on m'fich' la paix
J'ai pas envie d'faire comm' tout l'monde
Mais faut bien que j'paye mon loyer
J'travaille à l'Underground Café
J'suis rien qu'une serveuse automate
Ca m'laisse' tout mon temps pour rêver
Mêm' quand j'tiens plus d'bout sur mes pattes
J'suis toujours prête à m'envoler
J'travaille à l'Underground Café
Un jour vous verrez
La serveuse automate
S'en aller cultiver ses tomates
Au soleil
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire aujourd'hui ?
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire demain ?
C'est c'que j'me dis tous les matins
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire de ma vie ?
Moi j'ai envie de rien
J'ai juste envie d'être bien
J'veux pas travailler
Juste pour travailler
Pour gagner ma vie comme on dit
J'voudrais seul'ment faire
Quelque chos' que j'aime
J'sais pas c'que j'aime, c'est mon problème
De temps en temps j'gratt' ma guitare
C'est tout c'que j'sais faire de mes dix doigts
J'ai jamais rêver d'être un' star
J'ai seul'ment envie d'être moi
Ma vie ne me ressemble pas
J'travaille à l'Underground Café
Y'a longtemps qu'j'ai pas vu l'soleil
Dans mon univers souterrain
Pour moi tous les jours sont pareils
Pour moi la vie ça sert à rien
Je suis comme un néon éteint
J'travaille à l'Underground Café
Un jour vous verrez
La serveuse automate
S'en aller cultiver ses tomates
Au soleil
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire aujourd'hui ?
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire demain ?
C'est c'que j'me dis tous les matins
Qu'est-ce que j'vais faire de ma vie ?
Moi j'ai envie de rien
J'ai juste envie d'être bien
Un jour vous verrez
La serveuse automate
S'en aller cultiver ses tomates
Au soleil

Faith to give up on superstition

I've written about the fact that life is like winning a lottery in a seemingly hostile Universe. There is much to fear yet we live despite the greatest odds against life.

In the song Superstition by Stevie Wonder, the line "if you believe in things you don't understand then you suffer". Sounds reasonable right? Not to mention belief in cosmic signs, spirits to be appeased etc, how much do we understand the obvious things like life, our bodies, love, suffering... I don't think we understand even the most mundane facts of life, yet we hang on to all that makes us live, enjoy and fear. 

What is the difference between superstition and faith? Both believe in things we don't fully comprehend. 

The simple answer could be: Superstition begins and ends in fear, But faith is all about life that won't give up.

Music under water

It's been a long time coming: I listen to music while I swim. Sounds boring but the fact I can finally say this after 5 months of using my waterproof mp3 ear phones is a manifestation of how my life has changed. Here's why:

1. I'm swimming an hour at least 6 days a week. I couldn't do this so easily without hearing my favourite music. I'm getting fit.
2. It took a lot of tweaking, testing, maintenance and patience to get the phones to pipe music straight inside my ears at the right angle for one hour while constantly moving in slippery water seeping around my ear. My life is being geeked out as I'm solving system physical and psychological  problems with new habits and a new outlook on life.
3. I went through a stint of swimming nearly everyday before but ate differently and always wished for music during the process. With a way to eat that suits my metabolism and  good waterproof phones, the results in my health and appearance are obvious. The change in my life was what I always wanted but forgot until the technology and opportunity arrived.
4. Endorphin addiction from the exercise clears my mind and helps me think, dream and decide. The circumstances that pushed me to change has permeated all of my existence: to why I live and love.   
5. The fact I'm writing this on a blog underlines the new communications that helped me find food, exercise and other advice. But I'm sharing what I'm going through with anyone who is interested. A new desire, vision and channel to communicate has invaded me.

I had to resort to a formal way to talk about this even though listening to music underwater seems such a simple thing. Few want to and few succeed. Much like all good things in life.

Why shave?

I bumped into a long time friend who asked me if I walked around Hong Kong in a tank top and if I shaved. Although it sounds negative, we know each other well and she is from France where latin directness is common. We had a nice chat.

But my personal journey out of sickness and depression has brought me to see how life is about solving my own systemic problems and overcoming them by new habits, good friends and seeing what dreams motivate me. I feel more free and fulfilled than ever.

So why shave? Why do anything? Besides making a good impression which is wise, it should be part of my new focus on solving problems which I discovered is a primary motivation among other things.

Life is like jazz

I know not many people listen to jazz but the way the music is made: improvisation, give and take, rhythm, taking artistic liberty, quality, moodiness, skills, enjoyment.... It's what life should be like. I'm doing all of that now and I think good things are coming out of it. Life!

Celebrate

It's Autumn. Kids back at school. Cooler mornings in sub-tropical Hong Kong. The singers must have been boiling under the lights with barely a whiff of wind. Yet they sang in Chiuchow to a small audience to mark to end of the "Halloween" (sort of) in Southern China. What ever the reason, it was nice to see a little culture besides money, wining, dining and shopping that occupies our service economy.
For once I don't really have any epiphany; just some colorful pictures that celebrate something of life behind the facade and the schedule.

Hold out! Sold out!

I'm still waiting for a breakthrough in livelihood and in a new project with my friends. These songs express an excitement in spite of it all. It's not about religion but life and the value of conviction. It's embracing the love of my life and moving forward. Not standing still but pushed by passion. Seeing results before they happen. I'm sold out and holding out for the journey that has already begun despite external circumstances.

Negative ninja

The Japanese character ninja is mysterious and has become an urban legend about a "secret service" in ancient times. The word "nin" is hanji (忍) that combines the character for knife over the heart. There is an extra bit which looks like a tear or a drop of blood (who knows and  I'm not saying this is the historical or linguistic origin of this character). It means to tolerate or keep hidden inside. But I suspect some extreme interpretations would be to kill an undesirable feeling.

The good side of training us to control our feelings is to maintain civil society, toilet training and other ways to make life more convenient or orderly. The negative side is that we actually think we can kill our feelings.

I know that we can only delay the message our feelings want to tell us. It can be as mundane as avoiding public toilets until we find a nicer facility but a more serious result is anger, burying our dreams and not expressing love. To find out when to express our feelings and when to delay it is all part of growing up.

I guess the Chinese character for tolerate which parents tell their children quite often is not too far off. It only tells us to hold a knife over our heart felt yearnings until a more opportune time perhaps.

I'm writing this because I'm dealing with deep seated panic and anger which I have tried to avoid completely. Perhaps from my past or even from current trends. I act like I have to hurry or keep up or act like someone else even though my heart is telling me something else. It's part of growing up. Almost 51, it's about time.

Go

I took a morning walk the day Hong Kong was on Typhoon alert. The photo is Central (the banking and Government district) at 8am. Empty, quiet, strange because it is usually quite stressful with people rushing about all the time. The message is "Go" just as I went through about 7 years of "fire". The song by Chaka Kahn has special meaning for me. 

I was arrested 7 years ago for something incidental (at best), it set off circumstances beginning with 18 days in a Chinese prison that brought me to this point in my life. I felt so down trodden when they finally came to take me away, there was a few seconds of amazing silence in my head in the midst of the hand-cuffs and commotion... It was as if all the world stopped for me and I heard clearly but quietly a voice: "Go through it".

Thus the photo. Go down the road my heart is leading me to. Not on a whim but an insistence that I have been feeling and seeing clearly for a year. What is implied is that things will work out and that the road will be made straight. I never would have seen this if it were not for the fire of bad circumstances. It's as if my going "through the fire.. to the limit" showed me life again.

Resist

My rants about how people ignore Sun Yat Sen's statue continues because of the new advertisement behind it which says "History you can taste" by drinking Maotai liqueur.

Shallow, hollow and so pale in comparison with the man. Of course, you have to think, face facts and read to appreciate him which is depressing and complicated. It's easier to swallow the alcohol and feel a buzz. A sign of the times, perhaps.

I wanted to post the old French song called "Resist". The lyrics speak for themselves. My favourites:
"If  you live an organized orderly life that you fast forget... If you realize that life is not there, that you get up every morning not knowing where you are going...
"Follow insistent yearnings. The world is not yours, come, fight, wave and persist. Resist.", 
"If someone wants you to correct your mistakes. It won't make them love you..." 
and the punch line 
"Resist. Prove you exist. Look for  happiness everywhere. Refuse this selfish world."
but don't forget to dance.

Money is pushing shallow, thoughtless trends that ignore History, real value, celebration and love. "Résiste" by France Gall:

Si on t´organise une vie bien dirigée
Où tu t´oublieras vite
Si on te fait danser sur une musique sans âme
Comme un amour qu´on quitte
Si tu réalises que la vie n´est pas là
Que le matin tu te lèves
Sans savoir où tu vas

Résiste
Prouve que tu existes
Cherche ton bonheur partout, va,
Refuse ce monde égoïste
Résiste
Suis ton cœur qui insiste
Ce monde n´est pas le tien, viens,
Bats-toi, signe et persiste
Résiste

Tant de libertés pour si peu de bonheur
Est-ce que ça vaut la peine
Si on veut t´amener à renier tes erreurs
C´est pas pour ça qu´on t´aime
Si tu réalises que l´amour n´est pas là
Que le soir tu te couches
Sans aucun rêve en toi

Résiste
Prouve que tu existes
Cherche ton bonheur partout, va,
Refuse ce monde égoïste
Résiste
Suis ton cœur qui insiste
Ce monde n´est pas le tien, viens,
Bats-toi, signe et persiste
Résiste

Danse pour le début du monde
Danse pour tous ceux qui ont peur
Danse pour les milliers de cœurs
Qui ont droit au bonheur...
Résiste {3x}

Résiste
Prouve que tu existes
Cherche ton bonheur partout, va,
Refuse ce monde égoïste
Résiste
Suis ton cœur qui insiste
Ce monde n´est pas le tien, viens,
Bats-toi, signe et persiste
Résiste...

Fix me

Fix me. I just realized that's what my heart was crying out for all this time. Maybe since I was born crying fresh out of the womb until I experienced a healing and revival in my life during this past year. It has not been a earth shattering or crowd drawing event but no less amazing and powerful.

I like the words "fix me" because it is also why drugs are called a fix. Money, sex and power are the most common non-drug related fixes but are just as deceiving in their temporal endurance.

Queen Latifah's version is a great contrast to the upbeat version I also like. As I write both of them are playing and they seem to reflect the 2 sides of my being fixed: both quietly but joyfully.