From dinosaurs to birds

This blog has been about my rediscovery of celebrating who I am in this beautiful world full of joy and pain. I feel like a new change is coming much like how a period of darkness changed the giant dinosaurs to become the birds of today. Yet popular pursuits is to be bigger and more popular which is OK. But like any giant, everything requires more effort and massiveness implies slow change. And small birds, though free and can see the world from many angles as they are more agile and resourceful, appear insecure and hard to pin down. Giant cities, buildings, companies, institutions, banks, governments, factories, religions etc. help us focus on the goal of size equals success. Popularity is the goal of media so to become a giant star seems to be the highest form of success.

I prefer the freedom of being a bird rather than live under the obligations of crowds and giants. Therefore I'll continue to celebrate, discover life and share it in cyberspace in a new blog: "From dino's to birds". See you there.

Why blog

I write on this blog for many reasons: it's my place to say something public, I'm curious about how many would read about me, I'm kind of crying out of the dark as the urge to create beckons... A kind of existential shout that I'm here, I exist.

But something has changed. I'm not just trying to express myself, what I see, how I feel. Something new has been drawing me forward even though a new job or some other way for steady income remains elusive. More have run away than show me empathy. But I don't feel abandoned.

No I don't know the way forward because I'm still on the way. But the fearful hesitance has all but disappeared. What calls me and gives me hope in an unknown future is about how more than what. The why will also reveal itself on the way.

Subtly inferior no more

One high school friend wrote in my graduation year book that he thought I was a snob before getting to know me. Later in life some told me I was being controlling. Without discussing those opinions, they at least imply I'm a confident guy.

Even at the lowest points of my experience I never looked down on myself.  I did feel helpless and cried out but do not remember feeling inherently worthless. But I was influenced by what appears to be rejection and being sidelined.

You see I'm also a compassionate guy. What those I love go through becomes about as real as my own life. So any rejection from those I love hurts deep. Being 51, the occasional adds up and changed me.

Just like walking too fast, uncoordinated swimming, eating unnaturally, living inactively... ; I got used to thinking that everyone disliked what I did. This is actually conceit because why would so many people pay attention to me?

This subtle inferiority suddenly got reversed in my psyche as if I just woke up from a dream. I can't explain why but this happened on this dreary rainy thundery day in Hong Kong when so many problems in my life still remain open and the future is still unclear. Yet hope, faith and love are strong.

The comfort of fate

The comfort of fate fits much of humanity's mindset. Because we are often subject to limits, power, rules, morals, authority... it is easy to accept much of what happens as unchangeable: therefore fate. Some even want power to determine the fate of others. Yet for most, there is comfort in having no choice.

My last 2 entries touch on this. Deferring to someone else to make our choices so we can blame them if we fail, or to keep our postulates secret in order to say "yeah, that's what I always wanted". There is comfort in giving up.

My personality seeks change. I know many do not. So fate feels like a bad word to me. Of course I know there are things I'm accepting everyday as unchangeable in order to keep the peace or show love to someone.

But for me there is no comfort there. My acceptance may be temporary in order to continue seeking some better way forward. There is always a path that is straight and wide (not narrow) but you just don't see it until you need it. But if you don't look, you'll never see it.

Postulate

Postulate just means to suppose, to guess, to wish, to set a bar... things we do all the time probably without knowing. We hope what we want will come true. But when it doesn't: some stop and think failure. Worse is when we think our supporters have deserted us.

To get up, see what can be learned from the process and results, can help us start again with an adjusted or new postulate. In other words: start over.

The key to getting through this common path is:

1. Expect the unexpected to discourage us.
2. Don't accept that the disappointment of others is a judgement on us.
3. Evaluate and learn.
4. Don't give up.

This process fits our relationships, our work, personal growth or even just a hobby. It is a matter of seeing rewards from the most unexpected places even though we will be discouraged along the way.

Note: Postulate is both a verb and noun.

I swear or facing myself

Ryan Reynolds wears a fat suit and lip syncs to "I swear" that promises love.
Take 6 sings an equally sappy tune but proclaims "love is one never ending circle, that brings us around to face ourselves."

I think Ryan was right to laugh at the sentiments of "I swear" that involves an awful lot of work and over the top goals.

The reason perfect love makes us face ourselves is that it is unconditional and gives us the protection, safety, freedom to see who we are and become who we want to be. If you read my blog, I often come back to the fact that most do not know what they want let alone who they want to be.

Instead, it's safer to defer to some higher being to tell us so if we fail, there is someone to blame. Yet the point of love is to free us from that fear of failure so we can see who we are, so we can love those we meet in our life. The treasure and joy of life lies here.

So the fear of the simple answer and seeing who we really are drives many to work really hard to change only to become what we do not want to be.

It's a heavy subject for those mired in the downward spiral of chasing a nightmare. Yet the way out is simply to let go and embrace forgiveness, truth, understanding... because "you (really) can't ask too much of love".

Missing you

"I wish" is a song about missing someone close who is no longer by our side. They are still around but just not with me.

During the emptiness from which I am rising, I realized that I do miss many people whom I value but they don't want to be with me. It is sad but part of life. It is a mystery that even the best intentions can seem to drive people to reject us. It does hurt but I have to say I now see I am better for it. But I still miss you.

I decided to add the lyrics:

"I Wish"

I wish I could've changed your heart
I wish that you were here with me

I just heard that you were gone
Now I'm feeling all alone
And I am praying that you hear me
I hope you did what had to
No matter what I still loved you
Cause I know you always went through

And all the times I have prayed for you
You would know what to do
But you wouldn't come through
And now it's killing me cause you're gone
I'll keep you close in my heart
But I don't know where you are


I wish I could've changed your heart
(That would've have made me happy)
I wish we didn't have to part
(Cause I hate to see you leave)
I wish that you were here with me
(Then you could love him just like me)
But wishing on you is all I can do cause
Now I'm missing you

I never turn my back on you
No matter who wanted me to
See we had a love that was true
And what you need to understand
I would've took you in my hand
But there was something you had to do

And it hurts me so bad to know
They didn't love you like me
Cause your heart they couldn't see
But you knew who loved you the most
I hope you obey his plan
And decided to stay


I wish I could've changed your heart
(That would've have made me happy)
I wish we didn't have to part
(Cause I hate to see you leave)
I wish that you were here with me
(Then you could love him just like me)
But wishing on you is all I can do cause
Now I'm missing you

Home is about "how"

A Chinese waiter in his 60's said while chatting, "I don't know much. Just leave home each day for work and shop on the way...." Nothing special but it made me realize the whole statement was about home. The restaurant is older than me and the staff has not changed much at all. I think he is contented with his home (which is the flat, the journey and the work) because he smiled when saying it.

We all have our dream house and family. Some like to have a big one, some want to be single with many possible variations. There is a lot of dissent about what is a traditional family and how it's destruction is hurting our children. On the face of it, many believe in a romanticized image of what it means. I won't go into it because traditions vary.

But one thing is common, the quality of the home and family is the key. How we treat each other is more important than the schedules, who is there, who is not and definitely not how much is spent. Affairs and lies, manipulation and lies, saving face above honesty, rituals without enjoyment, things above people, career above all else, ignoring those we love.... all destroy more than what a family looks like.

For home is really a matter of the heart. But in our world, far too much value is placed on how much, how many, how long and not really on just how the home becomes a place of refuge, rest, love and personal growth.

Ruben Studdard does "I wanna go home" sings out our longing for home.

A Priori Easter

History channel has a program discussing the proof of God's existence.  A lot of it seeks "supernatural miracles" that are different from known scientific principles. The world is full of holy sites, testimonies and books about God. Have you noticed that just about everyone assumes there is no God as the starting point (or A Priori) so that somehow he needs a lot of help to exist and be proven?

Imagine if we have to do that to our life partner: assume there is no love and that I do not exist. So everyday, we go through rituals like dates, sex, romance, pouting, gifts... just to prove we are life partners. A successful marriage must be A Priori that the union is valid, that all parties exist and that there is love of some kind. All the aforementioned rites would then be ways to deepen the union.

So there is no relationship when you have to prove existence just because it is assumed God does not exist.

I am not saying the celebrations are wrong. But they are just empty rituals if it is assumed the events are proving something instead of building on intimacy. So is Easter proof of God or His ultimate act of love? Another way to put it would be "He ain't trying to impress nobody".

If you're trying to impress somebody...

"If you're trying to impress somebody, it ain't workin'"... this is a quote from a movie someone ought to make about how so many popular choices are not attractive much less "amazing". I want to say it when I see mean faces, tastelessness, ostentatious displays...

These are nothing new. We all go through phases of "suck it" many times. Some survive but others actually like the attitude (or lack of it). But because media is now social, it just means that anyone can display their "suck it" videos, music, looks and think it's just "stunning" without realizing that being stung is unpleasant.

First, I don't want to impress anyone. If you are good, there is always someone better. And beauty is both fleeting and subjective. So I try not to dwell on anyone's judgement (good or bad).

Then there is the celebrity obsession to become a billionaire through Internet fame and popularity. Wanting to be a star is not new. There are just more of them and the crowd effect is less selective than before. At least you had to pay your dues in a cut throat industry before fame came, but now You Tube is enough.

So I would say it is really easy to live out fame that fizzles faster. This or any kind of fame in the madding crowds is not attractive to me; much less impressive. It's easy to believe the applause, the hype and the superlatives because of a moment in the "crowd in the cloud". And it should be enjoyable while it lasts.... but just not that impressive after that.

Creating monsters

"If you love somebody set them free." is from a song. Yet in the name of safety and stability, many leaders choose to limit freedom. It's a hard balance. Parenthood is even harder because many believe our children are "our" flesh and blood. I think in reality that life is on loan and will belong to our children in the end. To find the balance to set them free and protect is so hard.

The story of Frankenstein is sad and sensational because of the grey images of death and a half life. Of course, this parallels many real life situations that appear prettier and acceptable. Zombies, the supernatural and other legendary creatures remind us of ourselves be they fear or real.

Many leaders believe their success in their company or institution makes them so entwined that there is ownership. If a child is ultimately their own person, what makes a group of diverse adults belong to a leader.

The difference between influence and manipulation is subtle. It is about intent and implications vs duress and scheming. Some do the latter so well, their actions seem always disguised in good intentions. The more this is done, the higher the chance we create monsters closer to that of Frankenstein.

Whether you believe in a Creator or not, our dynamic Universe is full of mystery and beauty, chaos and patterns. There is both violence and peace, birth and death. For me I see brilliance and a plan that is somehow balanced between fate and choice, the universal and personal, solitude and companionship... I see creation to be so romantic, beautiful and deep it creates joy, purpose and love. I see humor, sadness, anger and courage. Most important there is no manipulation or forced behavior. Yet the freedom to be ourselves somehow makes us choose the right path to a creative, rich and loving life.

The opposite would result if coercion, conspiracy and traps were used. Yet in the name of progress, parents and leaders want to drive success and change using such enslaving tactics. Maybe it's a much faster way to get results.

But like a program or software, these methods actually code negative precedence and intent: sometimes yielding the very things we wanted to avoid. When our "creation" comes into their own, we may regret our choice of expediency over patient cooperation. For the monster is about death, inability to feel, staleness and putting their own existence above any notion of a life worth living.

Instant gratification

"Instant gratification takes too long" is a line from a movie. Ever since there was mass transport, communications and entertainment, we want immediate improvements.

It's OK to want fast food, fast love, fast texting, fast money. We are free to pursue what we want. I guess I should just stop here and leave the fast and furious to thrive. But that begs the question: is there is more to life than just being there first or being the best at any one moment?

To live in vitality and grow, good things involve waiting in enjoyment. Here are a few things I did as a kid which was rare then and nearly impossible now: to build an analogue amplifier or radio, a face to face "ad infinitum" (no set end time), romance, day dreaming, reflection... None of these give instant gratification.

I hate waiting no less than anyone. Yet it is in learning to wait for the right people, right moment and right resources to fall into place before taking off is so important. But just chasing the gratifying rabbits of life won't leave us much time, focus or energy to think and see. For quality is not easy and requires finesse. To arrive at a beneficial balance, there is no instant quality.

The pursuit of normalcy

We live at the tail end of the industrial age which could last a long or short time depending on the whims of those with power and money. But because of the pervasive media (social or mass) there is also power in numbers. Crowds are both easy and difficult to sway.

Unfortunately there are times when evil intent to take revenge or make up for some past debt gets disguised as reason for action and the masses can be pushed towards that. Another more subtle disadvantage on mass appeal is that crowds have no patience for complexity which unfortunately is the reason for most long standing problems.

But most institutions were designed to augment the mass appeal growth that appeared to work so well since reconstruction after World War 2. Now that the industrialization of the remaining large populations has begun at speeds faster than ever, perhaps the industrial age will meet its replacement sooner. Like a runaway train, the most populous countries are racing to industrialize and grow to catch up. What happens after that when even gross profit margins get squeezed to near negative ground and growth cannot make up for the losses? Maybe new markets will be there forever as if anything can last that long.

Even if growth by mass appeal can go on for a long time, this can be good or bad depending on the relationships on which they are built. When trust breaks down. When large powerful groups feel excluded, instability ensue. But the dependence on mass appeal, marketing and just numbers to get growth in the age of software is excluding more and more people.

Normalcy is the goal of the industrial age. 60-80% of the people are statistically normal. So companies, governments and public services have been designed to cater to the majority. It makes sense.

Take a closer look though and average is not really the goal of universities, learning, innovation and creativity. The exceptional is never normal. So why pursue something that is the most common denominator?

Pursuing normalcy is worthwhile if it yields valuable growth. This kind of mass appeal growth can go on if the following is true:

1. Profitability will not continue to drop as they have for the past 20 years.
2. Speculation will generate lower risk (despite the promise of short term rewards) for the longer term than true investment in talent, product, service and management excellence.
3. Entertainment is more important than productivity.
4. Cheap thrills are more fulfilling than culture, social engagement, learning and creation
5. If the masses make a mistake in judgement it is better than the rare wisdom of the minority. 
6. Discoveries and breakthroughs (enormous earnings are not considered a breakthrough) are in essence not worthy of the status quo except for money.

Yes, these are skewed to make my point. Of course you are free to be normal, ordinary and not stick out. It is after all the goal of most institutions to serve or sell to normalcy.

Diving in

Diving into river rapids. During my recovery, looking for work, working out my own work, calling out for help... it was about waiting because most doors were closed. This image of standing next to a river whose rapids grew faster and stronger, waiting for the right moment to dive in. I think the moment is here.

Also reminds me of this song: First call's "Parable of the river"

Alright

Everything's gonna be alright. We say it all the time but few act as if we believe it even though so many singers from Bob Marley, Alicia Keys to Justin Bieber sang a song about it.

Religious people beg and plead for an answer. Intellectuals discuss problems to find interim solutions because it seems like we will never find the order and peace we all desire. Ever since language and media existed, there have been apocalyptic messages. Warnings about our demise weigh down our faith despite our self-assurance that it'll all turn out OK.

To write the simple answers would be a waste of time for few believe simple solutions can solve the quagmire we see everywhere. So I'll let "Sounds of Blackness" sing it and play it.

Ring them bells

Yes the recording is 20 years old. Can't you tell by their clothes and hair. Bob Dylan wrote it even earlier than that. But the music and their vocals are so hypnotic. For me the lyrics are prophetic and the melancholic epic score give me chills.

Will it take tragedy for us to wake up to trends that kill society and the human spirit slowly but surely. And I'm not talking about politic, religion, race, sexuality or even morality here. Instead the slow death that kills us are policies and habits that discriminate, divide, take revenge, enslave and feed greed. What dies is always freedom, creativity, beauty, joy, love, hope and disillusioned youth.

I hear the bells warning us and I choose to seek a way out of a downward spiral.

安心-Peace

This song celebrates being at peace with the one you love. It's about intimacy and resting and walking together. Simple stuff. No weddings, shows, proclamations, fireworks, expensive gifts but just being together.

It's quite against the fashionable amazing, stunning, astonishing, dramatic, incredible, flagship that is sold to us every moment of exposure to popular culture. Instant gratification, completely exposed and over powering marketing of everything. From iPads, music, movies, shows, events, politics and even love.

Well I don't really want to be stunned or inundated by superlatives. Simple proximity to a caring loving person is enough. This is the meaning of peace. 安心

Delusions of grandeur

It's not hard to think I am better than I really am but equally easy to think I am nobody. The key is why? Does my value come from what I have, accomplished, won, lost, missed, regretted? Of course who I really am when all is said and done, is independent of all of them. Who I am is more linked to what I am looking for or what I really want. (Try to answer them each day and you may get a different result...)

It's just so easy to forget what we really want out of life in both success and failure. Getting evaluated and thinking the outcome defines us can be reward as well as poison. Thus the title. Successful celebrities let the fame and ruckus of the madding crowd convince them they really are all that (thus delusions of grandeur). 

Healing and strength can come to both those fooled by success and failure. In material or popularity terms I am not at all successful. Yet the 2 pictures show how I feel now. Hear the songs by clicking their titles.

Healing

 Strength

Complete

For the longest time, there was something missing in me. I was looking for why I live and breath. Before my misfortune and trials, I seemed to be content seeking and enjoying the journey. But after years of bad events, rejection and illness, I thought some conclusion like a movie ending was needed to satisfy me. I wanted to move but forgot how.

I thought I wanted to live like most people, be satisfied with living out my days in safety and having enough. Good advice. Except it became my excuse for withdrawing from the search. People also told me, just go after the money because opportunity comes with it. Go after the best investments, ally with the successful, hurry up, do more...

None of this is bad except everything I tried in establishing security, failed. Even trying to do work for free some people decided to reject even that. Despite that all doors seemed shut, the gems in my life rose to the surface from the most unexpected people. New friendships and new visions of the future emerged. What is more marvelous is that values I thought were lost are exactly what is needed.

Somehow, things I learned, people who enriched me, experiences that shaped my life, even rejections, oppression and mistreatment all made sense. I mourn those who left my life and feel for those who seem lost in some storm or the doldrums.

"Whatever it takes to make it, I'm going all the way"...in my life. This is the feeling of being complete.

Cultural divide or treasure

Like all things in life, it is actually rarely gradual improvement. Besides sub-atomic energy from which we get the word quantum, I assumed the rest of life is gradual. Look closely though, even the Sunrise appears with sudden bursts of light. Exercise and training yields jumps in improvement after periods of apparent lull.

Carrying on my theme about learning being the purpose of human life, it is like that in our understanding, language and progress. Look at the iPhone phenomenon which suddenly started the domino effect of explosive use of hand held computers. Good or bad, they are becoming indispensable. And it happened suddenly to the surprise perhaps of even Mr. Jobs.

Cultural differences always fascinated me. Many are scared of the unfamiliar but I always saw people as people having created their own way of communicating. Language was like music and each one plays in its own key and rhythm. I learned a few and am still reaping the treasure of each. It takes time to learn but one day, it is possible to experience the rush of suddenly being able to sing a new song of another choir of humanity.

What divides us is also the show case of the beauty of unity and diversity of expression in being human on our small blue planet. Cultural diversity is our greatest treasure.

The point of life

It's going to be an obvious let-down for those expecting some fireworks, hollywood ending or religious salvation because my conclusion is simply: learning.

Some adults think children were meant to learn from us. They do imitate us so if we act like we know everything, they will be influenced to think it is possible to stop learning. Human nature is afraid of the unknown because if taking risks gave us negative results, we learn to fear risks.

School may be boring to many so learning is often associated with lack of fun. The Japanese chose the kanji 勉強 [benkyou] which is used to mean study. The characters can also mean forcing something to happen. Many will not learn unless forced perhaps.

When something bad happens and we can learn from it or just take it as fate. Companies, countries or any group of people can also learn from each other or just accept we are divided with no common ground. Actually genetics tells us we are all the same but humans tend to look at the differences and learn to exaggerate the significance. Somehow, color, accent,  clothes, the width of you face, symmetry or asymmetry and any number of preconceived notions of separation become imagined barriers impossible to overcome. Perhaps the only real barrier to our working together easily is language but even that can be learned.

The point of life is to learn how to live with our neighbors. Be it a family, a church, club, business, just 2 friends, a visit to the store.... It's not easy and that's the point. Why else are we given the invaluable privilege of living on our blue sphere of life in a vast universe of darkness, silence and violence?

Real achievement

Winning or getting top results is vague. Today parents push kids to get good grades even when the education system is unable to provide enough tools for even the top students to succeed. Perhaps it never did.

Life is even more complicated. Look at what is happening in the rising countries like the Ukraine, Turkey, Thailand, Egypt... There has been so much more transparency, education, economic rise and progress since 2000. But they are facing deep rooted problems on how to live together when they don't agree. Power grabbing, violence, skewed application of laws, revenge, lack of  forgiveness all help the groups involved to be locked in battles of words, of opinion and there is a risk of outright war.

In my part of the world, there is more stability on the surface because cultures here frown on dissent and confrontation in general. There is a tolerance of those in power that is better for short term stability but can hide the same deep divisions and problems that will not leave hearts and minds. Sooner or later tides will turn and the suppressed weaker groups could later be the stronger faction who will take power.

Democracy is meant to help dialog and smooth transitions of power without violence. But it too can become tools of the powerful to oppress the weak. When wealth disparity is high, the risk of instability, falling productivity and worst of all neglect of the young generation will also be high.

Real achievement then cannot be wealth or power or some trophy, despite that parents commonly push kids to get "qualifications" like badges of honor. In our times of change, relative peace, ever increasing channels to communicate and learn, we have little excuse not to achieve understanding, forgiveness, shared power, common goals and focused effort to move forward with our neighbors.

Real achievement is simply how we treat one another towards growth instead of playing politics, nurture stale mates and continue generations of escalating violence. Competition can be friendly, like what sports should be. The rewards of refocusing on people over the numbers will be real progress and better management of our lives on earth.

Holding on after letting go

My last post was about letting go. If you let go of all requirements and expectations that seem to limit us, you are left with nothing. We need something to hold on to but to what? Or to whom?

Georgia Mass Choir sings "Hold on. Help is on the way" in a matter of fact way. Love this music. I think I wouldn't feel the emotion of it fully without having sung in a good choir or having gone through "fire".

I was holding on to a frame of reference that is incomplete and temporary. After going back to my roots of gratitude, life, love, hope, simplicity, truth and the dignity of humanity as part of the seemingly solitary island of life in a violent Universe... Life seems so valuable like a winning lottery ticket.

Then to discover the value of humanity in creating, finding the solitary soul in those who care to share, augmenting the spirit, loving those who want it and to relax, sing, dance, celebrate as often as I can.

I'm holding on to something new after letting go of what did not work.

True forgiveness

This is as mysterious as love and life and God. It simply means there is no more debt of any kind. But generations hold one to past debt be it money, violence, revenge or any way we feel like we need to repay someone for what they did or treated us. This is the real source of guilt, regret and violence. We can only solve this within us.

Letting go should not be difficult because if you take our hand as an example, it takes more effort and energy to hold on than to let go. Yet our minds are strong enough to hold on to a belief so strongly it takes over our lives.

Somehow, holding on, we believe makes us secure. In forgiveness the opposite is true.

The healthy geek

When I was a teenager, exercise was seen as a domain "reserved" for sports training and not for everyone. Today, health and exercise are cool, fun and available. The whole approach to fitness has moved from exclusivity to a common denominator for holistic health.

I remember a P.E. teacher extolling his physique without explaining how to get fit except to attend his class. Fitness and nutrition have become well defined and available.

Following my 50 day hospitalization, I walked out with a cane. Today I look and feel much better. Besides the spiritual and psychological foundation which were revived in me, it was the geek in me that helped find the way.

I saw well-being as a system and not just about the body. Understanding and fine tuning elements of how to live under a deep motivation to thrive in all of my life, I have become a healthy geek.

Slogans in vain

The first of the biblical 10 commandments is to love God with heart, soul, mind and the third is not to use His name in vain. I want to focus on what love and vanity are. For the topic of God is simple. If you believe he is there, why talk about someone as if he were not. If you don't, well why discuss something that is not there.

Love and vanity are also simple because if love is not there, there is certainly a lot of wasted emotions and effort in a relationship.

Love songs are meaningless if you don't feel love. You can do all the things that refer to love or wish you could love someone through romance, seduction and pursuit but it's hard to tell if love is there especially when hormones take over. At the point you suspect that it's a lie, the most intimate moments that inspired can seem repulsive. So many stories exist about misguided love.

The commonality between love and saying meaningless things is this. Real intimacy and real love are one and the same. Public intimacy cannot by definition exist. Could it be that love (if it is closely related to intimacy) when made public can dilute as well as add value? I think there is more distraction than augmentation.


So to publicly proclaim you love someone cannot be the final test to see if love exists. This applies to our human love as well as our belief in God. Try and systematize, ritualize or dramatize and the act of love can become cheap and fake, fast.

Acting out love is fun. Weddings are many a girl's dream. Sex is perhaps more of an obsession for men. And we are free to have fun.

When you know it is not there but still proclaim you love someone, that is just a slogan. Words used in vain. And so it is with God.

This song "Can't nobody" is a yearning to love and be loved by God whom they call Jesus. Whether this song is meaningful or a slogan depends on what we see and want. How many can truly say "can't nobody do me like Jesus... he's my friend" and not use it like a slogan in vain?

Silence

I think we see this similar to darkness. If you are not afraid of the dark, most of us once did. Maybe silence is just as frightening or mysterious or at least something to avoid. Just like waiting, silence can also be a skill because if you think about it and listen to most conversations, there are many wasted words and too much volume.

To put it bluntly, we talk too much. In general I am not known to be talkative. Yet I'm learning how to use silence even when I think I need to persuade or object or react, if for no other reason than not to show my ignorance.

Some like the night life because the world calms down when the sun is shining elsewhere. I like to wake up early and enjoy seeing the world rise up from relative silence. I'm not sure if it's "golden" as in the old folk song but it is definitely more useful and uplifting than idle chatter.

Shelter

Most people build a life to shelter us from danger. Wise. But fortresses and fixed assets can also keep us from moving forward. I never had an urge to build huge reserves of wealth. Some would say foolishly because when I got sick and could not make money, my life looked pretty precarious from a financial planning point of view.

Some of the most conservative financially people are my own: the Chinese. But they are also the ones who made Macau gambling surpass Las Vegas in a few short years.

Will financial success be it from prudent planning or winning at a bet (even in business) give us shelter? But shelter from what?

Is it risk? People? Failure? Youthful dreams?

Poverty, being a no-body, boredom, incarceration, sickness, slavery are fearful because they limit us. But what if we live to limit ourselves preemptively? Because tomorrow is a forever unknown (as in my last entry), it is tempting to try and limit the unexpected.

To censor our own freedom is like suicide just as the fear of death can kill our spirit.

What I experienced since my 18 day incarceration and the series of unfortunate events that brought me to my recent revival are storms, the feeling of having no exit, completely helplessness, total failure and the worst of all for me is complete silence.

I found shelter. Shelter from drought, from dying before I'm dead, from all the fear of more storms and most of all compassion for those who live in existential silence. Like my first sentence in my last blog posting, it's impossible for those who are blind to see the are blind, the deaf to know they are deaf unless they see and hear (at which point, they are healed).

I do not want shelter from the risk of knowing the truth which can be much more scary than knowing nothing. The shelter I found is from fear because I know what love is more deeply each day.

Foggy clarity

The hard thing about seeing is that you are never convinced about something you do not see at all or see clearly. So you really do not know there is a problem when you don't know what you don't see. (Confusing) It is hard to know what is actually there and how to see clearly when there is so much fog. It happens to be a humid foggy day in Hong Kong Spring weather which makes a dehumidifier a godsend.

The fog I have come to terms with recently is the deception or prejudices we collectively hold. To survive in chaos, human civilization has created artificial order that can allow us to thrive or hide. It's up to us. Look back at history and places during war, feudal times, autocracy and oppression and it's easy to treasure our relatively peaceful participatory world.  But keeping the peace at the expense of truth, quality and caring is the fog that exists today.

When information is becoming so easy to find and mostly free, it is amazing how many do not look for anything except instant gratification and security. It is actually easier, safer and faster to find information and knowledge than ever before. But the uncharted future (which is actually a constant state of being) and faster and faster rates of change perhaps is causing many to hide more deeply in entrenched institutions, methods, and ways of thinking.

That's why money has become the sole object of so much work. We need these numbers to exist. But the way to add it is becoming more exclusive instead of inclusive. There is actually enough innovation, work, products in our economy to make life better for everyone than ever before in history.

We know each other better. There is more people working together from many places than ever before but most people feel more depressed and trapped than ever. Perhaps that is why all religions are experiencing unprecedented popularity.

Truth exists but not in any one institution. It is in the simplicity of nature, in our passion for companionship and in our desire to express ourselves. Yet institutions be they companies, clubs, nation states or even a dinner party or a couple in love can be used to suppress the very nature of our humanity.

The foggy clarity is this. If we work to secure some achievement, glory or fulfillment simply to increase the value of something we made in the first place, we forget that life is a gift. Life's value is in its living.

We never will know the future and will never stop discovering who we are. To see that this is the point and not be distracted by achievements is perhaps the best way to see in the fog of tomorrow.

"Can't take this away" revisited

I had this song in my car stereo cassette which played about 5 times before another song. Its much easier with digital memory now. The rhythm and electronic sounds are outdated. Current instruments sound much better and the arrangement is definitely early 90's. But when you get to the celebratory chorus and finale which echo the sassy first line: "this joy I have, the world didn't give it to me and the world can't take it away!" by repeating "it's mine!... mine!... can't take this away!"

The first time I heard it, I danced in my room and today I felt that again. You see, the music I love and listen to over and over are not just admiration or enjoyment, I participate, celebrate, perform, dance, sing deep deep inside me. The matter of fact proclamations from Bebe and Cece (brother and sister) Winans may or may not be the same as what I feel but that's what Art is. It is made by us and then exists on its own. Then it can be relived, reinterpreted and take on more or less meaning as we enjoy it and live it.

Creation is thus.

Oh the song I'm raving about was first posted here.

Holla I'm dancing

I've been listening to the original version (below) of Holla for 10 years and did not like the Urban Version (above) until recently. It's just I feel like I'm dancing in life. Moving with the refreshing flow of water, the wind of change, the breath of life inside me...
The name of the group is Trin-i-Tee 5:7

Fear and parenting

I have no kids but do enjoy them. My visiting niece leaves joyful memories that light up my life. No she, like any person, is not perfect. Yet, I learn about life in its newness seeing her play and connect and not.

There are endless ways to interact with your children but I want to look at fear. I know many adults that fear (?) rejection from parents and live in umbilical dependence until one party dies. This is an artificial or narrow way of fear. It may protect but it also limits.

I have experienced a different way to be reared. Fear is somehow removed and replaced by assurance and love. I had both in my life which I remember to be full of light and enjoyable, eclipsing any negativity, until recent personal history which prompted me to write these blogs. 

They are full of my feelings which on the face of it are mundane and common place. Inside, I writhed the pain and fear and disappointment. Loneliness and dusk replaced my good memories. I felt people did not want me and it was hard. Every recourse I have learned seemed to fail. Friends in high places, low places, close places, recruiters, counselors, doctors, lawyers, corporate connections, strangers, investors, relatives etc. from all over the world. I used my languages, my achievements, repackaging myself, the Internet, publications, all kinds of media, free lance, charities, diplomatic circles, past allies, new colleagues.... Yes I'm tired just writing this and it's not finished.

Through all of this doing and searching, I got no response to my fear and loathing until I cried out of my darkness. It is in going through the dread and desperation that I am who I am now. I feel saved and free and bold. And that's perfect parenting.

Too good to be true

The opposite of "as good as it gets" could also be "too good to be true". There is a concept in many places that everything will be OK, everything is for our good, or something similar. In the movie "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel", Dev Patel says " Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end."

The singer (who reminds me of me) leads the choir to sing "working it out" over and over and over again "for my good, said he would, for my good".

How can suffering, injustice, poverty, selfishness, prejudice, deceit, greed be for my good. And how can everything revolve around each person for their good?  It just doesn't make sense that everything will turn out alright, for our good, for each and everyone.

But this concept is there. We assure each other that things will be OK despite that we favor some over others and assume it must be the case with God. So many dismiss what cannot be understood. I can't persuade anyone of the truth in the song except to say I see what is happening to me to be "too good to be true" but here I am.

(I found a post of my favorite gospel song that got me hooked on this kind of soulful music)

Take 6 - Set U free

Take 6 - Set U free

Everybody wants to know
What the future has in store
Will you be or will you won’t
Where is that pot of gold?
When confusions got you bound
And it’s hard to make a sound
Just put your trust in me
I’m here to set you free

I’m here to set you free
Want to fill you with my love
I’m here to set you free
Want to fill you with my love

I don’t have a magic pill to give
But i can change the way you live
And just the place to start
Is deep inside your heart
If you give my love a chance
You will enjoy the dance
And if put your trust in me
I’m here to set you free

I’m here to set you free
Want to fill you with my love
I’m here to set you free
Want to fill you with my love

Sometimes life can knock you out
And keep you sleeping thru the count
But as long as i know that you’re rising to your knees
I will lift you off the canvas and set your mind at ease
I’ll set you free

I’m here to set you free
Want to fill you with my love
I’m here to set you free
Want to fill you with my love

I’m here to set you free
Want to fill you with my love
I’m here to set you free
Want to fill you with my love
Set you free

infinitam libertatem - infinite liberty

Infinite liberty (infinitam libertatem) rather than "as good as it gets". Not that enjoying what we have is bad. But I want to enjoy the freedom to create, to search for answers, to explore, to change, to make mistakes, to love, feel bad, cry, laugh.... ad infinitum. After all, if the sun is shining inside despite the weather, what is impossible?

Why music and lights

Things that are so "commoditized" and even free, are perhaps both the simplest and complicated tools for our well-being. Light is everywhere. The cycle of natural light runs the our lives. Deprivation of light can cause health problems but too much light can also blind us. In Physics, light is both a wave and separate photons. It's speed is thought to be absolute even though you can slow it down. A mystery.

Music is just an arrangement of sounds. It started with folk or societal music but after many years of commercialization, it is now something we buy and sell. But think about what music is and we wonder why the technical, sonic and literary aspects plus the way it is performed and heard can cause emotions much deeper than the sum of all the parts. And each person can have a different response to the same music.

Just because they are taken for granted and the media technology has overexposed great images and beautiful sounds, maybe we have become numb to the reality of the art. The use of music and light is basically music videos, movies and live performances. 3D came and went so fast and we are now facing 4K (4 times the resolution of HD). Unlimited and pervasive digital bandwidth is assumed so we can see and hear all this quality everywhere, anytime.

Yes, I geeked out in the last paragraph. But that's the point. It's like when High Fidelity (Hi-Fi, which the spell checker no longer recognize) music used to be the goal of sound systems where the technology and equipment can overtake the focus on the art of music, images can also take the focus off the quality of music. Great sounding music is not necessarily great music. For instance sexy images are often used to numb us to mediocre or bad music.

For me, the simplicity of light and sounds that can stir the soul. That's the point! And I'm rediscovering this everywhere. I'm finally singing a new song.

Basic bass

I sang bass and know how to play. It's been a while. I've been using portable music players ever since they were mass produced which is most of my 51 years. And I got used to having the music needing more bass. Also most of that music players on phones actually do not sound good enough to me. And I didn't care much until now.

No I don't need the US$1000 headphones and players that some insist upon. But as I regained my sensitivity to life, joy, celebration... The nuances of sound suddenly became more important. Most smart phone output is not up to par. And I don't like to be interrupted if I'm listening to music. So I bought a mini music player and earphones...

After listening to it very satisfied with the heavy bass sound for a year, I recently changed. I wanted a more balanced sound instead of the numbing bottom heavy rhythms overpowering the music.

The change reflects what my heart wants. Instead of too much of anything (even money) I am back to seeking a simpler (but probably still difficult) set of goals.

The overwhelming bass line is like having too much money. The bass line is cool but doesn't always produce the best emotional inspiring music and response. Money can similarly numb us to places of the heart, to the delicate beckoning of the weak and can confine us to respond to whomever calls us loudly...

Truth in life and the best musical experience is in the balance of technical excellence and soulful performances, between listening and participating. Once it crosses some emotional threshold, something stirs our deepest self, makes us want to dance, and awakens our dormant soul.

Could it be that desperation is covered by some exaggerated part of our lives that numbs the one most important person we need to know before we can really live and help each other? What is your exaggerated bass line? Money, work, an affair, children, laws, a schedule, food, exercise, looks, reputation, fear... I think any or all of them can be at one time or another.

This entry is rather difficult and I'm not sure if I succeeded in saying how the new joy in music and life that has been reignited is changing me more than ever. I'll keep trying in this blog and in my life.

No apologies

I'm generally known to be a nice guy. Someone described me as mild when I was a teenager. It's just an image people hold of me because I often smile, have a big head and wide face. In college a friend thought I looked like the laughing Buddha. That was before I put on 80 pounds to become the chubby professional who attracted too much attention when I visited Hanoi. People all over would stare at the bald fat guy and shout out Buddha. One guy on a bicycle literally ran into a lamp post because he was too busy looking at the living Buddha... 

Even when I was 100 pounds over weight, I did not look down at myself except for the natural discomfort of having too much fat and weight. Now even this albatross is gone along with a lot of bad habits, prejudices, bad memories, false trophies and much more depressing stuff like that. (Click to hear the sassy old bad ass song).

Yet there was nothing wrong with most of what I did. It was how I handled the result or was handled. Being a nice guy, I actually do not mind being criticized. But don't expect I'll take it lying down with no reaction. Even if I get angry, I actually think about what is being said (after filtering out the mindless ones).

What I learned is that I can apologize for hurting someone even if I did not intend to, but I will not apologize for being myself.

My new normal

When I was down, the danger is that the digression becomes the equilibrium. It's a very geeky sentence.

Most people don't like change because it is so unpredictable. It's as if we believe the goal of life is to achieve a  completely risk free routine that runs like clockwork. Maybe it is because we fear a change is for the worse so we want to "cash in" and live as well as we are. Achievements seem like points or a badge of honor that we can hold on to.

I don't buy it. 

Life is more like the way our bodies work. After all of our experience is based on our physical existence. But our mind is very influential. Just take anorexia where someone's self image is skewed so much that they starve. If we don't grow, our bodies decay faster.

I'm not saying we can escape expiration when our bodies no longer function and we die. That is the only surety in life. Yet most of us just want to live a certain way the rest of our lives?

Even if we want excitement, so much of our behavior tends more towards stability and avoiding the expected. Go to school, excel, get qualifications, win awards so we can achieve some goal of living that we hang on to. For some it is fame, others security, wealth is popular... for me it is change which always have unpredictable results, therefore exciting.

Societies, companies, churches, clubs, families... any group function like our bodies. They are born and will end. While they exist, they will have ups and downs. But if the goal is to have no change, it is a sure road to some downward equilibrium.

I always wanted change. Physically, I found non-judgmental and inspiring modes of exercise that I like. I finally found out the right way to eat that makes me feel good and energetic. So after years of living, walking, working like the norm of industrial society, I am seeing a new normal.

It is growth in movement, in love, in hope, in inspiration, in friendships but also letting go of those who don't care and don't want change. Sickness is caused by stagnant situations that ignore our emotions.

Even in our old age, when we are weaker, slower ... things that make some  youth tremble and treat old people badly... we can still grow. There will be always our mind, our hearts, our lives can add something to someone, to have some fun, to enjoy, to feel passionate.

You see, stagnancy creates the worst ailment: numbness. When I felt numb during my convalescence,  I did all I could to stimulate all my senses. Finally, I see growth, more sensitivity, more passion...

Deeper feelings are both positive and negative. I cry and weep more. It's a pity that there is a myth that strong men "do not shed tears... only blood" ( common Chinese saying but a popular concept in many Asian cultures). Yet it is in the tears of change that we grow and learn to be strong.  This is my new normal.

Spirit. All the way.

They are names of songs. Celebrating a change, a plead, a pledge, a hope, a direction, strength, determination and most importantly: passion.

These songs are my friends and have been for most of the 20 years they have existed. My soul sings along and celebrates.

Yes, Ja, Da, Shi, Hai, Oui, Si....

If you just take the gospel music I like only in the context of a church choir and the superficial understanding of the words at face value, it's not what it's all about for me. The truth I focus on is the intimate yet loud, strong and powerful proclamation and cry for help, for love, for truth, for hope, for beauty and the "eternal Yes" of Mr. Emerson in "A room with a view".

Though the music is set in a church, mostly among African Americans, with strong rhythm and soulful singing, I love this music because they express the cry for help, for affirmation, for salvation... In fact, it exists everywhere but not with everyone. For some reason, many do not cry out like the singer did, like I did....

Most of the music I love is related to this raw human need to fix loneliness, our broken heart, face the tragedy of human indifference, adjust callous policies that kill the soul... From Stravinsky, to french sad songs, to black gospel choirs, to jazz and hip hop I hear and sing with them.

So the title highlights a few ways to say yes in world with all the colors of emphasis and escape that each culture tends to encourage. My words in my blog are not religious but personal and merely proclaims "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" .... and that's the point of loving and living. Yes!

Beautiful world video

Further to my earlier post, this song actually proclaims a yearning for beauty and a new world.

Beauty!

In the movie, George climbs a tree and screams "Beauty, L'espoir, Vérité, Trust, Joy, Beauty, Truth" and his father explains "He's declaring the eternal Yes" while the vicar is engrossed in sweetening his tea. Lucy meanwhile escapes her gossiping friends and ends up standing in a field of waist-high wheat. George sees her, walks directly to her and kisses her... Florence is in the distance, Puccini opera is playing and the Sunshine is replaced by rain at the end. George runs home in spite of it.

I wanted awesome simplicity and I realized what I looked forward to besides what I need to exist is : beauty. So I guess I'm looking for a model, a painting, a photograph, sweet music, a wedding, designer clothes, culture, ...? They are clues and signs of what we want to be beautiful.

The odd ball father and son in the movie clip's free spirited proclamation of the eternal "Yes" and earlier the father Mr. Emerson says "I don't care what I see outside. My vision is within! Here is where the birds sing! Here is where the sky is blue!" while poking his heart with a fork. This outlook** is close to the kind of beauty I seek. 

My desire for beauty almost died and I digressed along with it. Too many compromises, disillusions, disappointments, insurmountable odds, so many requirements, debt, failure, hard times seemed to tell me everything is no. Even today people wisely tell me: make do, lower your requirements, surrender to fate, your dreams are too unrealistic, there is no magic, everything is a mirage, so just make do. And I am content to make the most of what I have but contentment does not mean I stop looking for beauty in my life.

While I was in prison, in the hospital, embattled, disappointed, afraid, lonely, hopeless, desperate... I see beauty in all of it. It's the process, the journey, the anticipation that life exists even in the darkness.

To illustrate, I return to the picture of the earth taken from the moon: a magical, blue marble in the vast darkness of space where we have some time to make beauty out of nothing. That is why children are magical. We do hardly anything and life appears with all the newness and hope of a better future. 

The moment children (or anything we think we achieved) becomes some sort of trophy or raw material for our manipulation, and the process of growth stagnates. The process of life is beautiful and exists despite the mistakes and harm we often create. Discovering this during the down times is what happened to me. 

**Please see my comment on the use of the word outlook.

Amazing simplicity

Listen to popular interviews, product announcements and just normal conversations even and words like amazing, incredible, awesome, unbelievable, flagship, brilliant... They are good words. But how many things can be superlative all at once?

Maybe the original good, better and best deserves a comeback because "finally" is much easier to say and write then "at the end of the day".

Fashionable inflated adjectives and other descriptions come and go but the amazing simplicity I seek is more important. I think I forgot my true passion in life. It's the one thing that drives me to near crazy addictive persistence. So many things have diluted and clouded my view: cares, schedules, institutions, clubs, family, limitations, cultures, laws, norms, fashion... really all definitions we use to regulate our lives.

Though these tools for order and conformity are useful, they can impede our harmless ambitions and put out a fire that pushes us to dance, sing, embrace and grow. I remember seeing it in eyes of a rebellious teenage friend whom I met again after University to see the fire extinguished. She is happy with  her family and children I think. 

My fire almost went out too. And I am still trying to see the spark that started it. My passion for life is back and I'm trying to see the "big bang" event that started me off to love instead of just being curious and obedient.

This "one thing" will be amazingly simple. But there are still a few distortions in the way of my view. I yearn to see this amazing simplicity.